"Venuegate is Over"

Why did Madman's 2E's burst into tears the very moment that he walked into their cozy Los Angeles apartment yesterday afternoon? (Please circle one option below.)

   (a) She was just so overjoyed to see his face
   (b) She was overcome when she saw the bouquet of pink mini roses he'd bought for her
   (c) She found a ceremony venue that is available, affordable and in walking distance of our reception venue, and she was just so effing relieved that she couldn't contain herself
   (d) all of the above

If you guessed (d), you're cute, but no.
If you guessed (a) or (b), you haven't been reading.

That's right boys and girls, brides and grooms, the correct answer is (c), and today -- on this day -- I can't blame her. You know the Photobooth cloud? That grey, looming, egg-shaped thunder cloud that hung over her head when she realized that we couldn't possibly afford to have an old-school photobooth at our reception?

Well the Photobooth cloud was nothing compared to the London Tower edition ball and chain ceremony venue shackles (patent pending).

In the words of my childhood, this stupid, poo poo-faced ceremony hunt has kept us in a wedding planning slump for months. It's left us dragging ass with rejection after rejection, letdown after letdown. It's even left some family members wondering whether the wedding would happen or not...

(...which is fascinating, because if this blog never existed, never came to be, then no one would be clued in to our venue setbacks.)

And the problem was not motivation or lack of resources. The problem, you see, is that 90% of the venues in New York City exceed our (apparently) meager budget. 9% of the remaining 10% are either too remote or too small or too ugly. That left 1%. One-friggin'-percent. One percent is a blessing and a curse. It narrowed our search, but it also narrowed our search.

(The statistics above are absolute bullshit.)

What saved us was dedication. What saved us was 2E's setting a goal: to find a place within walking distance of the reception space, whether it be a restaurant or coffee shop, art gallery or artist loft, warehouse or whatever. If it held 85 people and wasn't rat infested (and we mean infested), we were going to make it work.

In the final days of my new york city residency, the Best Man and I took a visit to Brooklyn to see a few more places and do a walking tour of the neighborhood. The results? Well, the first place we had an appointment with totally dropped the ball and forgot about us (sign of things to come?). The second place didn't have air conditioning ... ever. And the other places were either closed or down dark staircases or up long and winding staircases. It was not looking more and more like we would be in Brooklyn Bridge Park, nestled beneath the Manhattan Bridge, with an AMAZING view of the East River and lower Manhattan but with no rain back-up and god knows how many random strangers walking through and around our ceremony.

And then powerHouse Arena came along.

"WELCOME" is right. WELCOME to our kickass venue.

powerHouse (also powerHouse Books) is a "boutique, book store, performance, and events space ... with soaring 24-foot ceilings on the 5,000 square foot ground floor with over 175 linear-feet of glass frontage and amphitheater-style seating." It's raw and city-like; it's got great levels built into it; it's nothing like our reception venue; and most of all, it's very us. We've passed it what seems like hundreds of times in our trips to Brooklyn over the years; we just never thought we could afford the rental cost.

And in truth, we can't. To hold our wedding there would put us at least $3K over budget. But to hold just our ceremony there -- a fixed 2-hr window plus an hour for set-up -- is do-able. YES. FINALLY.

And the best part is ... those of us who can manage will be walking from the ceremony to the reception. It's 0.2 miles. It will take 3-4 minutes. 5 minutes in heels.

As bride, fellow blogger and groom supporter Lara said last night, we are "so glad #venuegate is over." And now we can move on to the other 8 million things we have to do, cloud-free, shackle-free, and on-budget. For now.

if only we owned this city

Faithful reader, bridesmaid and longtime friend Julie has inspired me this morning. After reading this weekend's post, Julie decided to join the enthusiastic masses and send in her own #venuegate suggestions ... which included, most notably, a ceremony on "the sketchiest stretch of 16th street" (between 9th and 10th avenues) and catering by the legendary Hale & Hearty Soups, which may or may not have New England Clam Chower on the day of the wedding (based on availability).

For the past month I've been assembling a list of both practical and impractical venue options. Here, like it or not, are three of our favorite impracticals:

1. Gothic Revival Biscuits

2E's and I are both graduates of the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School, one of the private "studios" linked to NYU's drama department. ATC's primary theater (The Linda Gross) is located at 336 West 20th Street between 8th and 9th avenues, a gothic revival church that was renovated, remodeled and converted into an Off-Broadway house over 20 years ago but still bears the elegance and (naturally) the theatricality of a century-old chapel. To be married at the ATC theater -- with its brick facades and red plush seats -- would be otherworldly.

The reception would have to be at the now overly trendy Chelsea Market, 19th century home of the National Biscuit Company, and now home to tourist-friendly shops, bakeries, restaurants and a wildly out-of-place Anthropologie outlet.

Why is it unrealistic? Well, despite our dual connection to ATC, as actors we know too well that a theater company cannot book out their space months in advance, especially when our nuptials might interfere with their matinee and/or evening performance. Too, we would have no control over the look of the space. For all we know, come October, the Atlantic could be producing Duncan Sheik's new Guantanamo: The Musical, with blood-stained orange jumpsuits adorning the walls and ceiling. As for Chelsea Market, well, I'm sure it's "do-able," but I would need to begin hunting down wedding investors. 

2. Apple Crawl

Most of us are familiar with the concept of the "pub crawl," but for the sake of those who aren't up-to-date on British slang, let's consult UrbanDictionary.com:

A pub crawl is where a group of people will try to visit as many pubs as possible in one night, having a set number of alcoholic beverages in each.

In this exceptional but impossible scenario (financed by Steve Jobs himself), 2E's and our guests and I would "crawl" from one Manhattan Apple Store to another.

Working our way uptown, we would hit each of the Peter Bohlin-designed structures throughout the evening: a SoHo store wedding, 14th Street cocktails, 5th Avenue/Central Park South reception, and the brand-spanking new Upper West Side after party/Sunday morning brunch.

I originally thought we'd walk from one location to the next, but in that scenario, I see most of our guests collapsing on or around 23rd street.

REVISED: Apple Cab Crawl

Why impossible? Well, I don't know Steve Jobs, and I doubt I ever will. But if I did know him, and I approached him with this idea, I can picture him, sitting across from me in his simple black turtleneck, smiling, saying, Hey, Madman, you know I love you, but this is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Let's go get some coffee and try to forget you ever said anything.

3. A Water Wedding, Per Se

I've never been impressed with the big historic event venues -- The Plaza, The Metropolitan Club, NYPL, the St. Regis, the Mandarin. It's the Manhattan you'll probably see in Sex and the City 2: Unnecessary Opulence in a Time of Recession, but it's not the one that we call home. I tend to lean more toward the unique, unexpected venues as opposed to the traditional ballrooms that are booked three years in advance.

In this scenario, I would treat our guests (90% out-of-towners) to both Manhattans. Our rehearsal dinner would take place in the West Room at the elite Per Se -- part of the Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle -- with a customized chef's tasting menu. After dinner we would move on to Dizzy's Club at Jazz at Lincoln Center (in the same glass complex) for an intimate evening of jazz planned just for us.

Our Water Wedding the following evening would take place above and below the two rivers that bound the island of Manhattan: the ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge walkway (seen our website intro page?) and the reception on the other side of the island at the midpoint of the Holland Tunnel. Sure, it's a concrete block surrounded by water, but add some up-lighting and a few strategically placed yellow cabs, headlights giving a whitish glow to the dance floor, and it's an event space.

Why not, Madman?

Uplighting. Couldn't afford the damn uplighting.

How About Here?

My brother, my sister and their wifey and hubby (respectively) spent the weekend with me in New York City, abandoning their kids for three days and flying 2000 miles north to see their significantly younger brother in his first Off-Broadway play.

Needless to say, they loved the play. And they loved the city. And they loved eating and drinking in the city. Drinking in the city. And drinking in the city.

[Smiley-ish face]

Of course, the four of them (in particular the women) are up-to-date on #venuegate and all of the chaos with our last minute venue swap. So, being the helpful siblings that they undoubtedly are, the four of them (again, in particular the women) made it a point to point out every possible venue that they encountered in their 50-hour stay in Manhattan. How about here? How about this? How about that?

When I first met them outside the SoHo Playhouse after our Friday evening performance, my sister was quick to pull out her handy-dandy iPhone and announce, We totally found the perfect venue, and it's in SoHo. What she had photographed was an art gallery of sorts -- a dark, cement-like hole that they'd stumbled across somewhere between Prince and Spring, with very trendy but overwhelmingly ominous, glowing rectangular boxes -- like oversized illuminated coffins -- spaced evenly throughout the grey box. And that's it. Just the coffins. And cement. And darkness.

Looks great, I said.

I was by no means ungrateful. New York is home to what seems like thousands of hidden venues -- many of which we've been lucky enough to discover through fellow bloggers and friends' recommendations.

And they certainly weren't afraid to chime in with rehearsal dinner options. This place is great -- and look, they do birthday parties! Or, We were at this great bar last night...

Just to fill you all in -- 2E's and I have a few options to work with, and all of those venues are on hold for our date at the moment. But, to be honest, we are still rather infatuated with our original location, and we haven't given up hope entirely. We're still waiting for word on this undisclosed event that may or may not disrupt our plans should we decide to stick with the loft. The one thing we know for sure -- we absolutely need to make a decision by the end of the month, which gives us two whole weeks of wiggle room. Two weeks to turn things around at the Loft; or to fall in love with an undiscovered space; or find the beauty and personality in a space we've already seen.

It's true. Time is not our friend. But I did know his roommate at NYU, so maybe he can talk to Time and see if he can pull some strings for us ... but they haven't spoken since, like, 2006, and I think one of them dated the other one's ex, so it's touchy ...

... oh well. We're still breathing.

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, But It Does Buy a Kickass Venue and Honeymoon Flights and Other Things We Haven't Encountered Yet But Undoubtedly Will

The title of this post is as long as we are exhausted.

2E's and I have been in a get 'er done mood this week. We've plowed through wedding venue options, sought out rehearsal dinner restaurants, browsed honeymoon resorts and packages on every island under the sun, and realized -- at the end of it all -- that one of us needs to come into a large sum of money, and very quickly, to accomplish this without having a nervous breakdown.

Ohhh, I kid. Oh, Madman, how you exaggerate! You're an exaggerator! I do. I am. My fabrications are almost as boundless as the title of this post is passive aggressive.

I would never name names. I would never write for instance - THE HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOFT IS ROBBING PEOPLE BLIND! - but I really want to. You want to warn people, spread the word. You want to tell future brides & grooms, "These people just plain suck," and then move on. But it would be cruel. And unfair. And I hate karmic retribution. It's the worst kind of retribution. Karmic.

Things I can share, sans names and details:

(a) No matter what a venue coordinator tells you, ask for a rental fee in advance. They need not be making up pricing on the spot. "Uhhhh ... I can do ... this much." Ideally they should have a email-able PDF of their rates and amenities. If they don't, be sure to get a quote before you hop on the subway, see the space, fall in love with it and then learn that it's $2500 over budget ... at the "discounted" price.

(b) That feeling SUCKS.

(c) There are a lot of scams out there in the world right now, and weddings/events are no exception. Beware of people claiming to be in the field. There are planners, and then there are planners. A shanty made from cloth, stick and found objects is not a venue, even if it is in SoHo.

(d) Adding the word "SoHo" to the name of a venue doubles the price.

(e) Adding the word "Loft" to the end of the name of a venue triples the price.

And there will be times -- not a lot of them, but times -- when you'll walk into a ... I don't know ... let's say a shoe store. Let's say it's a non-profit shoe store. Someone mentioned that they do weddings there, at the shoe store. You couldn't believe it. After all, it's a non-profit shoe store! Who would have thought?!

But you go anyway -- maybe you go to prove that someone wrong -- and when you get there, you're blown away. It's just so bloody unique, you think, to have a wedding in a shoe store. And a non-profit one, for chrissake. I'm sold.

So you sit down with the shoe store salesman, and he gives you the rundown, gives you a tour, lets you sample some shoes, etc. And when he presents you with the proposal ... you want to grab one of the knee-high boots off the high shelf nearby and deck him with it. "You're a shoe store! You're a NON-PROFIT SHOE STORE!! How could you possibly charge this much??"

You know what, I can accept that rent in Manhattan is ridiculous. That maintaining a staff is expensive. That they have to make a profit, at the end of the day ... but when there are perfectly reasonable places with perfectly reasonable rates, you have to wonder what these exorbitant quotes are all about. These venues must have brass Christmas balls to be charging what they do for an 85-person wedding. 

Ohhhh, but I jest. Oh, Madman, I love it when you vent. I love when you use ALL CAPS. It's so COOL. I know, I love it, too. It is cool. Exclamation points and all.

Will keep you all posted.

hugs & kisses,
madman