Honeymoon, Part I

So I'm being absurdly lazy on our luxurious balcony in the nicest bathrobe I've ever worn (and I've worn a good four or five), sipping at what remains of the two tropical-flavored cocktails that we were handed upon our arrival at our resort. If I were to jump from the railing, there's a good chance I might hit water. That's how close the shoreline is.

2E's crashed the moment we got in the room -- it's been a weird 15 hours, what with a late LAX departure last night, five hours to kill at Miami International, an hour and a half flight to Montego and an hour long drive with the riskiest chauffeur whose ever transported six strangers, ever, and whose Jamaican-spin on Lady in Red was inspirational at worst. Thank god 2E's took her dramamine.

The van ride to the resort gave us the Cliff Notes version of Jamaica. Overall it was uneventful -- aside from one intersection where uniformed men with automatics were pulling over all but the tourist transport vehicles. The hills were spotted with shacks in some areas (all which appeared to be 3/4 complete, with cement columns stacked atop furnished first and second floors) and miniature mansions in others. Goats fed on grass along both shoulders, and abandoned, lopsided fishing boats bobbed just offshore. It reminded 2E's of New Zealand; it reminded me of The Road. We must have been looking out of opposing windows.

- - -

Hours have passed now, and we've had our orientation, there's a bottle of champagne on ice in our suite and we're headed down to dinner. And we're just thankful that we're here sans Hurricane Tomas. And so thankful for Barbara Oliver at Bliss Honeymoons, storm tracker extraordinaire. Barbara kept us up-to-date on the storm all week; she checked in with us about whatever a couple of kids from Los Angeles might have questions about; and she made sure that we didn't miss a thing. She was a lifesaver.

I'm not spending a moment longer on this computer.

love

madman

But What About THIS Place?

Those are the kind of emails we would send to the wonderful, personable, PATIENT Barbara Oliver over at Bliss Honeymoons. No lie. 3+ months of this:

Dear Barbara,
We've been doing some googling. What about this place? Is that affordable?
Love, Us

Dear Barbara,
We're still at the same budget, but our standards just won't budge. ::mischievous smiley face:: Oh well. How's this one?
Cheers! Us

Dear Barbara,
What we want is a hotel that no one goes to but where there are a million activities available. Walking distance but, like, remote. Modern but rustic. Beach-side jungle. All-inclusive. Practical stuff like that. Like this.
Kisses, Us

If we were Barbara, we would have given ourselves a swift, digital kick to the ass months ago. But Barbara is a world traveler herself, so she understands the struggle between the dream vacation and the affordable, achievable vacation. And, best of all, she knows how to meld the two together.

Affordable ... for two nights ... if we swim there.

2E's and I never considered Jamaica -- we wanted something more "unique" or whatever -- but that's precisely where we've ended up, and we couldn't be happier. We never wanted an all-inclusive resort -- we were SO "above" those -- but it turned out that Couples had all the amenities and activities we wanted and was well inside our budget. Without Barbara and Bliss, we'd probably be hunting down hotels on stilts straight through the summer, pinching pennies and enduring 4 or 5 layovers just to cut down the cost.

Look, do we wish we could be vacationing in Ladera in St. Lucia...? In one of those awesome villas in the jungle...? The villas that are walking distance from the water but are so secluded that you can literally walk around naked and have breakfast naked and do other things naked...?

I totally sat on that bed naked.

Of course we do! But we can also accept that we're 26 years old and that we have many, many years ahead of us ... years full of jungle villas and naked things.

If you think Bliss Honeymoons is, like, some kind of crazy, charge-an-arm-and-a-leg travel agency then you just don't know nothing. For a small fee, Barbara did a huge amount of research, presented us with dozens of options that fit our style and price-point (with awesome video slideshows), and managed to get us some great deals on both round-trip flights and Couples Tower Isle resort packages.

And so, come November (yes, we've delayed our honeymoon a month or so since we're having a high-stress "destination wedding," or so it seems), we'll be toasting Barbara for hooking us up big-time. And we'll be water-skiing. And eating a lot. And drinking a lot. And getting naked. On the designated naked beach. Or not. Whatever. Naked.

(Follow Bliss on Twitter @blisshoneymoons)

Swayed by Stock Photos

It's decision time. 2E's and I are knee-deep in this honeymoon business, and our latest self-imposed task is to choose the exotic destination that will suit us best. 

Men love honeymoons. We love any all-inclusive vacation, really. And we love this one in particular because it's the week-long calm after a year-long overcast. I'm gonna soak it up. No doubt about it.

So the decision-making process is pretty complicated, when you think about it. There are hundreds of cities to choose from, hundreds of resorts to research, and they all have their own ups and downs, advantages and disadvantages. My method involves an intense rating system -- far more complicated than anything concocted by the Olympics officials -- utilizing color coding, nautical engineering and 2 (count them, 2) decimal places. Only after putting each destination resort through this gauntlet of reasoning can we know, really and truly, what works for us.

2E's method involves looking at the photos on the resort websites. She likes the one where the couple is in that bungalow on the water, the fisheye shot of the courtyard that has several mini-pools, and the one where the hotel is on stilts. She loves the stilts.

I can't say I'm a big fan of her method. There's no science behind it. She's been swayed primarily by stock photos. And there are no decimal places. Not even one. Fuggedaboutit.

Pillow Talk

I once had a set of Charlie Brown-themed bedsheets. I interchanged them with X-Men bedsheets. It was a simpler time then.

The sheets featured Charlie and the whole gang, acting out the usual cartoon shenanigans: slipping, tumbling, lounging on miniature pianos, etc. And the matching pillow covers offered subliminal messages of Schultz's design, like:

Happiness is no rain on a cloudy day. Happiness is ice cream after the ball game. Happiness is getting what you want.

My parents were trying to brainwash me with textbook happiness. These days, if I was still sporting cartoon linens, I might choose to amend those sayings so they read something like:

Happiness is no rain overdraft fees on a cloudy day my checking account. Happiness is ice cream after the ball game DMV. Happiness is getting knowing what you want.

2E's and I caught a modern day glimpse of happiness this past weekend when we met with Bliss Honeymoon's SoCal agent, Barbara Oliver, who will be helping us plan and book our honeymoon. Sitting outside the Burbank Starbucks, Barbara gave us the rundown on how Bliss operates and asked us to describe our perfect vacation. We essentially listed all of the elements in a traditional honeymoon ... and quickly came to the conclusion that we don't want any of those things. While we're all about comfort and quiet and solitude and sandals (the footwear, not the resort), we still want the anti-honeymoon, in a way.

And we'll probably skip the fireside giant champagne glass tub, though I'm sure it's a riot just getting out of the damn thing.

Kudos to you, model honeymoon couple. Good of you to light those candles by the roaring fire. 

Barbara is all about being attentive to the couple's needs, giving them the vacation that they want and incorporating her extensive knowledge when she can. And the best thing about Bliss Honeymoons is that there's no additional cost for their services. (Yes. Happiness is free stuff.) For twisted couples like us who are somehow planning a wedding on the opposite coast, it's a huge relief.

And grooms -- if you are intrigued and do decide to visit Bliss' website, stray from their "Groom's Guide" tab. That section about grooms being responsible for planning the honeymoon is just downright alarming.