October 25, 2010

Special Invite for my Angelenos

The engagement and wedding ring specialists at Robbins Brothers are hosting an exclusive Rock & Roll Engagement Party at the hot W Hollywood Hotel this Thursday.

"Join us as we celebrate recently engaged couples ... with complimentary champagne, appetizers and a private pre-tour concert with Lovely Day musician Donavon Frankenretier."

 Rock & Roll Engagement Party
W Hollywood
6250 Hollywood Boulevard
28th of October
7 - 9pm

Interested couples must RSVP here:

For more info on Robbins Brothers, visit them at:

October 22, 2010

I expected to cry at my wedding ... but not more than the bride.

Very rarely do I cry during a movie. In fact, the last time I teared up at the cinema, I was having a man date with Best Man Justin, and he was a little emotional himself. In cases like those, it's clearly a ploy by the director and the editor to make men cry. That doesn't count. Heightened stakes with dramatic scoring doesn't count.

(The movie was Hot Tub Time Machine, by the way.)

I typically don't cry in moments of sadness. I'm much more "find the silver lining," "let's move on to the next thing," and "let's not make a scene here at Pinkberry." Between the two of us, I do about 90% of the consoling around the house, and I'm perfectly happy to carry out that role.

Gene Wilder makes me all blubbery

But I was almost certain that I would be an absolute mess on our wedding day. Why? I'm a happy crier. Someone with a degree in something or other might say that I don't express myself outwardly, so I become overcome with emotion, and that emotion releases in the form of tears.

(I should consider myself lucky. It could very well have released in the form of involuntary moaning, or puffy fingers, or even break dancing.)

What I did not expect was that I'd be crying more than my 2E's. Clearly she's a sad crier. And in this sick, twisted world, that kind of makes us a perfect match. I can console her when she's sad, and she can calm me when I'm happy. Synergy.

Having said that, here are some preventative measures I could have (and perhaps should have) taken in advance of the big day:

by the groom says

1. Think sad thoughts.

If it's happiness that starts the waterworks, why not prep yourself with misfortune? Read the business section of any newspaper just seconds before you step up to the altar and you should be fine. 

2. Consider tear duct removal.

Sure, it sounds painful. It probably is. It'll most likely cost a fortune. And sure, you'll never be able to cry ever again. But think of all the money you'll save on Kleenex!

3. Try therapy.

Perhaps your balance is off, and you need a licensed professional to rattle your insides a bit. After all, you never did get that Barbie Dream House...

The source of all the pain

4. Add a Best Man duty.

The Best Man has little to nothing to do during the ceremony. "Holding the rings" doesn't require too much. So in addition to the brass, ask him to hide a long, thin needle or a rusty shiv in his jacket - which he can proceed to poke you with should you start to cry at inappropriate moments. ... Oh, and the kids'll love it!

5. Don't pee. 
That's right. Drink a load of water and hold it. You'll be so worried about pissing yourself, you won't have time to cry! And if you DO piss yourself, you'll be too embarrassed to cry! It's a win-win.

6. Deal with it.

You'd be surprised how many wedding web forums I've come across -- portals of distress where grooms have expressed their fear of "ruining the big day" because they cry heavily at anything. Unless it's that  uncontrollable, can't-get-through-a-single-sentence kind of crying (making the vows pretty painful for your guests), my advice would be to own up to it. Cry away. It won't emasculate you. If you can put up with a few wisecracks the next morning from the manly men in your family (and, more likely, HER family), then you've got nothing to worry about. 
Now go watch Bambi, you coward. The director's cut.

October 19, 2010

Groom (Takes) Pics

I care about animal rights almost as much as I care about the rights of grooms...

...which is why I put up no struggle when Lindsay from Kiss Me I'm Vegan, the best vegan-inspired blog in the Western Hemisphere, asked me to accompany her on Sunday morning at the Animal Acres Farm Sanctuary in Acton (about 45 minutes from Los Angeles) and document our field trip.

Please check out her most recent post to see some photos from our trip. And while you're there, note the blog's all-around awesomeness. You don't have to be vegan to appreciate everything that Lindsay does for the cause ... but it doesn't hurt.


much love

October 11, 2010

The Man Stylist

2E's and I walk into the formal-wear section of Large Unnamed Department Store (men's edition), and we're staring at hundreds of racks of suits at discount department store prices, and the salesman confesses,

"We actually don't have navy."

Gesturing to the thousands of jackets and pants on the hangers around us, at the suits and separates that seem to stretch for miles, 2E's put on her best huh face. "I'm sorry, you don't have navy?"

$11 well spent

I tried on a smoke grey suit per the man's suggestion, but I looked like a salesman. Like a jackass. Not at all like a groom. It just wasn't what I wanted. (Side note: My boys ended up wearing the same brand, style and color, sans jacket, on our wedding day, and they looked nothing like jackasses.) I had done my research, and I specifically wanted navy.

So we promptly departed Large Useless Department Store, and 2E's dragged me into Other Large Adjacent Department Store, Bloomingdale's. And that's where we met David Chan, official Man Stylist, who approached us while we were looking through some Theory-brand suits. David didn't need measurements. He brought me some options (yes, all navy), and they all fit perfectly. Within minutes, I had my suit. My suit. And it was navy. It was probably the easiest purchase of anything I've ever bought ever.

(Gross exaggeration.)

The truth is, in modern wedding planning, a good number of grooms will spend as much time debating their wardrobe as brides do debating "the dress." And they'll spend at least as much money. (Twice the amount, in our case.) And who better to steer you in the right direction than someone like David,  a connoisseur of men's clothing ... a wardrobe wizard ... someone opinionated who's less interested in making the sale and more concerned with making you look good on your wedding day.

Recently, Jacqueline Weppner from Merci New York paid a visit to Kleinfeld Manhattan's newest department -- Custom Menswear -- under the supervision of Man Stylist extraordinaire (and bow-tie enthusiast), Frank Jedda.

 courtesy of Merci New York

"A suit or tuxedo is not a uniform, it is made of elements that can all be chosen specifically to fit your needs ... If [a groom] is purchasing, and especially if he’s purchasing custom, the options are endless."

(Read the full article here: Kleinfeld Men: Custom Clothing for the Groom)

So what is it about men like David and Frank that makes them so invaluable -- aside from the fact that we grooms can hardly dress ourselves? Well, it's the attention to detail. It's the endless options that they can provide. It's the fact that these guys know far more about color and fabric and style and etiquette than we ever will. And it's the comfort in knowing that they're there to personalize your outfit and to make sure that you not only coordinate with your bride and "the dress" but that you also look far inferior to her.

(Not that you could ever look better than her. Fool.)

Bottom line is, we could all use a Pocket Man Stylist: a conveniently-sized man with a passion for fashion who can fit snugly into the pocket of your jeans and give you advice both at home and at the mall on what works and what doesn't. But until mini pocket edition David becomes available, you'll have to settle with the lifesize version. And no, you can't take him home.

(Los Angelenos -- if you are looking for a suit either for you or your boys, don't hesitate to contact David Chan directly at davidkchan@aol.com.)

(And no, for your information, David did NOT give me a free or discounted suit in exchange for this post. I'm just happy to refer him ... lifesize or otherwise.)

October 8, 2010

Obama Responded!

2E's and I are so grateful that President Obama took the time out of his Backyard Chats to respond to our wedding invitation. (We are so much more important than all that other stuff he has going on.) It would have been nice if he had used the response card we sent him ... but ... whatever ... this will do.

Gotta love his "O"

Mixtape Love(r)

In certain circles, I'm considered a mix(tape)ologist. I'm kind of famous like that. I credit this skill to two things: (a) a deep appreciation for 80s music, and (b) an almost obsessive amount of attention paid to the logical order of songs.

Previous albums include 
  • Raw Sound Mix
  • Hip-Hop for White Adolescents
  • El Mix-o Perfecto, which opens with Ben Folds' haunting cover of Golden Slumbers and climaxes with Hotel California, Gypsy Kings edition
  • and our post-wedding Vintage Cab Playlist, which we gifted to the cab driver upon departure

So when Amma at Beyond Beyond asked me to compose a virtual, six-track wedding mix-tape for their blog, I could not refuse. I ran back into the studio.

Beyond Beyond is an invitation design studio based in London with a unique take on wedding and engagement invites, announcements, wedding websites and beyond. And I think it's safe to say that The Groom Says has an overseas blog crush on BB's graphic designs.

(And the accent helps, too.)

Check out the Mixtape Love session here, which includes our recessional song ("You Are the Best Thing") and the final song in our Vintage Cab Playlist (Cat Power's cover of "Sea of Love").


October 6, 2010

Guest Responses Revealed

               (other) :  21
               i smell open bar :  14
               in a brooklyn heartbeat :  11
               omg duh lol ;) :  10
               only if 'the groom says' is there :  8
                i'm totally packing a taser bro :  6
               finally! :  5
               my mom says i have to :  4
               (no selection at all) : 

               boo i'll catch it on youtube :  4

- - -

Apparently the majority of our guests believe themselves to be more clever and/or witty than we are. Well, on behalf of the cleverer and the wittier, here are some of our favorite write-in candidates:

all of the above
our son is making us
let the wild rumpus start
i'm bringing a monkey
wherever there's an empty pole needin' dancin', i'll be there

Being Married

Q:  So what's being married like?
A:  It's a lot like being engaged ... only you smile a lot more. 

Warning: This post contains none of the answers you're looking for. This post has ambiguity for days.

On the evening of October 1st (my mother's birthday, the date of our Rehearsal Dinner and the eve of our wedding), the rain halted and the clouds parted and for 48 hours the world as we knew it was beautiful. We had the most beautiful wedding ever imagined. 2E's was the most beautiful part of it. And I was there, too.

I -- we -- have so much to share. And clothes left to unpack. And photos to process. Shoes to get cobbled and torn suit pants to get sewn and this new wedding band to get acquainted with. I spin it compulsively around my finger. I'm convinced that it's going to slip off my hand and into a sewer drain. Yes, this is my biggest fear in life at present.

I am so anxious to talk about this dumpster...

...but I just can't right now. And I can't tell you (though it was the most popular question at the reception) what's happening with this here blog now that I'm no longer a groom. How could I tell you something like that? How could I begin to answer a question like that? It's cruel. It's cruel of you to ask. Would you ask someone what shots their cat is getting at the vet ... in front of the cat? No. Come on.

For now, all I can tell you is that we're home, and we're wedded, and in the spirit of sharing, I'll share a little something. Stepping into our venue sometime in the latter half of the five o'clock hour, our guests received a 4x6 card with the following text -- text I had hoped to post on this blog in real time, but what the hell was I thinking. I was a friggin' train wreck, for chrissake.

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.
- - -

OCTOBER 2, 2010

"I still think it's amazing that two random people can meet up; say, Hey, I like the hell out of you; and then decide to make some new people together." - 2E's

She's right. It is pretty amazing.

And yet I can remember like it was yesterday how we met up; how easy it was to like the hell out of her; to fall in love with her; and how I'm still dealing with this wedding thing enough to completely ignore that whole "make new people" bit. Let's focus on the next six hours. Let's see how that goes.

For those of you in attendance, feel free to congratulate me on how calm and collected I appear. Grab a soda. Browse the literature. Not in that order. Feel free to stand. We'll move at a brisk pace.

Right now I'm just genuinely amazed that 70-something people can meet up; come from all over the country; say, Hey, let's get together and get these kids married; and then decide that this was all in the best interest of the universe. So for those of you in attendance, thank you.

Seriously, grab a soda.