Groom-in-Review

I decided to bike around the old neighborhood (or, should I say, the old suburb) this morning as it's my last day here in sunny Miami.

A ride around my elementary school -- now renovated for the umpteenth time since my enrollment there, new buildings sprouting up here and there -- had me reminiscing about a simpler time ... a time when "recession," "monetize" and "boutonnière" were not yet words in my vocabulary.

Sitting in the fifth grade classroom, I recall spelling bees (I lost on fluorescent, which I still have difficulty spelling), memorizing states and capitals and learning about proper hygiene. I recall shedding "cooties" and occasionally flirting with the frail, ponytailed girl beside me -- mine was named Stacy -- the one with whom you swapped one-dollar roses on Valentine's Day, and the one to whom you swore you'd be married years down the road ...

(By now, 2E's is either rolling her eyes or writhing in jealousy.)

... and so, my year in review does not begin and end with an economic downturn. With this new perspective, looking at the past year in the context of the last 26, this groom must submit that it has been one hell of a ride. Proposal, engagement and even the genesis of this blog have redefined my sense of purpose. And I know many others who have persevered through this recession, coming out that much stronger on the other side. I imagine we've all grown up a little this year.

The Groom Says found a muse in Patrick Dempsey. It struggled with horrendous Save the Date designs; documented gift registering madness; coined the "Opi-Now and Smile Groom;" saw the birth of the Cry for Help Fanny Pack; and interviewed three fellow grooms, all of whom will begin 2010 as husbands.

If you're new to the blog, I urge you to go back, see where our journey began and join us in 2010 as we unveil the Best Man and Maid of Honor, share our Save the Date, continue our struggle for ordainment, book vendors, appease parents, put thousands of dollars back into the economy and battle through countless decisions, both trivial and terrifying, all leading up to the 2nd of October, 2010.

Happy New Year, readers.

Love,
Madman

Save.Our.Groom

We've all seen variations on the bride's survival kit -- what The Knot calls the Bridessentials. Theirs is a silver pouch with travel-sized accessories that a bride might need before or during her wedding. You have the basics (brush, mirror, pins, tissues, clear nail polish), fix-it essentials (double-sided tape, static remover, adhesive bandages, super glue), and even some extra wedding bands.

I was pleased too to find The Knot's Survival Kit for the Groom, available for purchase on their website, complete with:

• personal care items (toothbrush, toothpaste, mints, deodorant)
• groom's attire essentials (lint remover, mending kit, stain/wrinkle removers)
• black socks (these I could use)
• pain relievers
• a stress ball

And while I'm sure the kit is a big hit, I feel that -- as a groom -- I should take a moment to weigh in on the contents of the kit and the range of hurdles that the modern groom might run into. Here are a few additions/suggestions:

1. Hangover kit - a banana, an Aspirin and a travel-sized Gatorade ... cause god knows someone was drinking last night (or this morning) and it wasn't the bride

2. Copies of the vows - printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the best moments highlighted for emphasis ... pauses for applause written in as needed

3. Deodorant - I know there's one stick on the list ... perhaps we should add two more for good measure

4. Stun gun - no particular reason

5. Boar's Head something on a sandwich

6. Horse tranquilizer - again, no particular reason ... but I can think of at least twelve instances when this would be useful ... no, wait ... "groomsman gets out of line" makes thirteen

7. The day's itinerary - again, printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the words GET MARRIED TODAY capitalized and highlighted for emphasis

8. An antique pocket watch - the perfect attire upgrade

9. An official, Groom Says original Groom Points Scorecard - he's getting married ... he gets 100 points just for showing up

10. A $50 bill - cause, chances are, he'll pocket the $50, lose the kit somewhere between the rehearsal dinner and the next morning, and need to purchase another one ... this is what we do ... this is who we are ... this is why you love us

Love,
Madman

Inspiration #56: Hell, if a ROBOT can get ordained...

The Go-Guy

2E's father shared the following video clip after reading our Christmas post about the Go-Girl FUD (or female urination device), in which I proclaimed that men would never need such a device. We make due. We are insensitive, resilient, apathetic and, most importantly, soiled. We've never cared about hygiene; why start now?

Well, David Sedaris proves me wrong in a taped reading on Letterman, in which David himself reads an excerpt from a collection of essays intended for Esquire. In this particular (hilarious) clip, he discusses the so-called Stadium Pal and his experience when testing the device. I may be the last to learn of the Stadium Pal, and if so -- well, it wouldn't be the first time.

As with all of Sedaris' writings, the Stadium Pal is a legitimate product. With a website. And according to the site, it's "The Original Since 1998." Thank god for that. I was confusing it for the other bag that guys piss into.

The most important of the three basic components of the device is the external catheter. Let's read about it, shall we?

"The Male External Catheter ... is worn just like a condom. It is latex free, and made of silicone so there is no chance of a latex infection. It is lined with adhesive much like a band aid. When worn properly the male external will not leak or come off. Since every man is different the male externals come in 5 different sizes. And yes in this particular case size is important, but all one needs to do is to print out the SIZING GUIDE, cut out the half moons, and there is no guessing. This is a girth measurement, and has nothing to do with length."

In other words, Have no fear, men! And don't get bogged down by the sizing guide. We won't judge you, your length OR your girth. This has nothing to do with that. Nothing. No matter what size you are, you'll be pissing at will in no time.

While the Stadium Pal's #1 clients are (I imagine) those beer guzzling sports fans who are unwilling to miss that exhilirating second quarter slump and take a #1 standing, I imagine such a product would be useful to a groom. What husband-to-be has time to urinate? Between pre-gaming, dressing, getting married, photo-taking, dancing, eating, dancing, cake-cutting, dancing and socializing, there isn't much time for peeing.

I can see it now: the snug, condom-like catheter, the 18 inches of tubing snaking down my leg to the 1000ml urine collection bag, inconspicuous beneath my pants, velcro-ed comfortably at the shin.

Better yet - I see the whole wedding party sporting urination devices. The ladies with their Go-Girls; we men with our Go-Guys. Chances are, at the very least, it'll make a hell of a photo opportunity.

"Ladies, let's see those funnels. Men, lift those pant legs. Now say cheese."

Inspiration #55