It's My First Time Here

"Hi, my name is Madman, and I'm a groom who doesn't watch football.

Actually, I should broaden and clarify that statement. When I say watch I mean follow. I don't follow football. And when I say football I mean sports. I don't follow sports.

It could be my upbringing. Sure, Dad is a Dolphins fan as much as the next dad, but it was never a staple in our household. I've only been to about ten or twelve games, ever. I did play Little League for five years but crapped out the moment I got hit with a ball. Looking back, I guess I was a rather precious little ten-year-old.

The truth is that I've never been invested in it. Following a sport -- any sport -- is a time-consuming ordeal, and as with most things, I believe it's all or nothing. If I'm going to follow tennis, I would want to be able to predict swings. I would want to know both players' max speeds and the on-court official's officiating history. I would want to be present at all the matches -- not just the big ones. And the French ones, too. We're talking about an expensive endeavor.

Yesterday I stopped at Trader Joe's to get some demi baguettes and dried apricots -- not the most manly of grocery baskets. The friendly cashier began quizzing me (casually, sure, but it felt like an interrogation) about the Super Bowl. Thankfully I'd seen some coverage last week at the gym, so I knew the competitors, but that was the extent of my knowledge. I told him I wasn't a fan of either the Saints or the Colts.

Who's your team? he asks.
The Steelers, I say, a mechanical response I've grown accustomed to.
They had an okay season, he says, which is news to me. My team doesn't have a chance of going to the Super Bowl. Not in my lifetime anyway.
What team is that? I ask, dreading the response.
Detroit.
Oh-ho, I say, feigning a pity laugh. I have no idea what he's talking about.
Right? It's hopeless.
Hopeless. Eeesh. I am so lost. Might as well pack your bags now.

I later discovered that the Detroit Lions are the only team in NFL history to lose all 16 regular-season games (2008). They've also never qualified for a Super Bowl.

These are very obvious things that I should know ... shouldn't I? I should know when the seasons start. I should know the MVPs and which team belongs to which city. I should have a vague idea who won the last World Series, for chrissake.

It's my first time here, and I decided to come today because ... well ... I'm a groom. And a groom has responsibilities. I upped the Christmas gift this past December. I give 5% of my income to a jar in our kitchen marked Honeymoon. And for god's sake it's time for me to find a sport and like it. If anyone has any suggestions or inspiration, please let me know.

Anyway, thanks."

::mild group applause::

"Hi, I'm Maureen, and I'm a bride who doesn't use Etsy..."

Catering, in the Biblical Sense

God knows I like to pretend I'm somebody. I'm very Bret Easton Ellis that way.

Back in the day (so to speak), I would take 2E's out to dinner at what we thought to be the snazziest restaurants in Manhattan. Hell, we were the youngest couple at Nobu by at least 12 years. And as part of our 7-day stay in Puerto Vallarta, we hiked up an unfriendly hillside through dark, unfriendly alleyways (2E's in the unfriendliest pair of heels) to visit one amazing Mexican restaurant where I had a generous portion of ostrich for the first time ever. At least I think it was ostrich. Perhaps it was [insert rarely eaten bird here].

And it's not because 2E's and I are at all snazzy ourselves -- no-no, we're far from it -- but we do appreciate a good meal. Good service. Good food. A "no bullshit" experience.

Having said that, even we -- connoisseurs of food that we believe ourselves to be -- cannot comprehend the outrageous price of catering.

Well, I should amend that. "...the outrageous price of New York catering."

We have been speaking to the kindest, most personable caterers for the last three months of this seemingly interminable journey. They get us. They get our vibe, assuming we have one. And on top of it, they want to put their own spin on our wedding, which we love. But the Grand Total at the bottom of their proposed menu is absurd.

Is it standard? I'm assuming. I'm assuming X and Y are by no means out to screw us in the Biblical sense. Why would they?

No, this is just the world of weddings, and 2E's and I have (in our infinite wisdom) chosen to be wed in the city where catering costs run rampant. God forbid we try to contact one of the larger, more reputable companies like "Preat Gerformances." Uttering our meager catering budget over the phone would send a wave of laughter through their SoHo headquarters. Little do they know that we would gladly bus tables and do dishes at our own wedding to have just a passing acquaintance with their passing tray aperitifs.

2E's thinks the next month would best be spent seeking out other proposals and "getting creative." I suppose this means requesting pricing information from smaller companies, shredding rejected proposals and using the shredded paper to prepare shredded paper salads -- our very reliable back-up should we not find an affordable alternative. Doesn't get more DIY than that.

Picking Your Battles (and Losing Most of Them)

I believe it was a great U.S. general who once said, "A good man knows when to raise his sword, and he knows when to retreat."

Actually, it may very well have been a groom.

While I'm a longtime activist for groom's rights (hell, check out the title of the blog), I'm no Norma Rae. We men aren't meeting in bunkers, communicating through confessionals, fighting the good fight for grooms' suffrage. We like to be involved but we don't expect to make decisions, for chrissake.

"A good groom knows when to nod and when to smile." End quote.

That being said ... there are those rare moments when I will push and pull for something that 2E's might be on the fence about. Take our wedding website, for instance. After sweating over our budget for months, 2E's was more than fine with a simple, traditional, [insert here] website. I was not. Nothing against those plug-in sites, but for two designed-oriented people, it seemed against our nature to go the simple route.

She was about 65% convinced when I began working on the design. I toiled through the night, saving the files in unsuspecting folders like Mac HD < Library < Logs < Qmaster (and I still don't know what that folder is for). I kept the design simple, manageable and as cheap as possible. When I revealed a first draft of the design, her 65% turned to 99%.

We were blessed in that our longtime web partner (Zach Katagiri) offered to put up the site for free as a wedding gift. 2E's was thrilled. 99% turned to 110%.

And here's the final result: Brussels 2 Brooklyn. Now all we have to do is teach 1/4 of our guests how to access the internet.

Cheers,
Madman

Who Scored the Scorecard

Last week I introduced the first Groom Says Giveaway, an opportunity for brides and grooms alike to write in and tell me why they deserve an original, limited edition, FREE laminated Groom Says 2010 Scorecard. This prize has so many adjectives it's almost silly.

We had five excellent entries ... and it was a close call ... but the scorecard goes to CINDY! 

[dramatic balloon drop insert here]

Here is a snippet from Cindy's very convincing argument:

"An example of how wonderful my fiance is: one Sunday afternoon he put together a brand new bookcase he bought for me then helped me completely clean my room (vacuuming, dusting, purging of old items, etc.) and then moved my furniture around until it was perfect. All this took about 4 hours. Then as if that's not enough, he then helped my parents remove all the furniture from the family room (couch, desk, computer, recliners, tables, tv, etc) so the carpet installation people could come the next day and then he helped them put all the Christmas decoration stuff in the crawl space under the house. And that's just one example of all that he does. He really is extremely deserving!"

Yes he is, Cindy! Why? Not necessarily because he helped you clean your room. Cindy's fiance spent his Christmas helping his future in-laws move furniture and take down their decorations. This is a serious health and wellness issue. Cindy's guy accrued hundreds of points over the holiday break and clearly has no means of keeping track. This must end.

So Cindy -- send me an email at thegroomsays@gmail.com and tell me how I can get your guy on the right track.

Mucho thanks to the other four contestants. Tim -- hang in there buddy. Help is on the way.

Love,
Madman

New Guest Blog on myKPW!

Weddings and baked goods, all rolled into one:

http://mykateparkerwedding.com/blog/2010/01/involving-the-groom-brian-leahy-on-how-to-get-the-cookie.html