Gastro-Groom: another role for guys who kill it at the tasting

We've paid tribute to the e-Grooms and the MC Grooms out there ... but there's a large demographic of men that we haven't accounted for. I'm talking about those grooms who can't get out of the kitchen: men who cook, men who eat, even those men who are particular about the ingredients on their pizza. Men who dine, men who drink wine, and men who mix Coke and Orange Fanta at the soda dispenser.

Let us now honor those men who will listen to their stomach before they'll listen to their heart; the guys who think their taste palate should decide the color palette. Without further ado:

The Gastro-Groom

The ceremony wasn't THAT long, Paul.

One would think that the Gastro-Groom wouldn't have much to contribute to a wedding ... but one would be wrong. Read on.

• Brunch. Gastro-Grooms are saddled with the gruesome task of sitting down with their Best Man and coming up with a "man cave"-like hang out for the morning of the wedding. It could be a restaurant; it could be a bar; it could be a driving range with an eighteenth hole diner. Whatever it is, it's the one aspect of the wedding that your bride has ZERO say in. So soak it up, Groom. This feeling won't last long.
• Premium Selections. Anyone can handpick a couple liquors and beers and call it a bar ... but only a Gastro-Groom can do it with class. Do some serious research to make this task worthwhile. Experiment with cocktails. Select an assortment of beers to please different palates (an amber, a pilsner, a stout, a seasonal, a "lite," etc.). And chat with bartender buddies about quantities; most bartenders have a good sense of what people drink most often and how much the average person will consume in 4 hours. They'll also give you tips on what liquors need to and need not be premium.

We covered the spectrum with bottles of red and white on the table, sangria on passing trays, and Pacifico, Beck's, New Castle, Heineken Light & Brooklyn Lager at the bar. Photograph by Picotte Photography.

• King of the Tasting. Gastro-Grooms don't just show up at tastings; they own them. Gastros dress up for the occasion, ask the right questions and rate the food on a rather complex Gastro-scale, which comes in handy when you can't remember which caterer had those sweet ass sweet potato fries.
• Feeding the Jet Lagged. Not all hotels offer decent room service, and you don't want guests who've flown halfway across the country to have to resort to the $18 bag of M&Ms in the mini bar. Source out some awesome sweets (baked goods make a strong first impression), as well as some healthier options to re-energize your weary travelers, and let that be your contribution to the hotel welcome baskets.
• Feeding the Bride. Wedding week is chaotic. It's 11AM one minute and 4PM the next. Assuming you're not as bogged down as your bride, be a good (pre)husband and make sure she's eating. If you're staying at a hotel, find a nearby deli or bistro and grab a couple to-go menus for the room.
• The Smaller Meal. Gastro-Grooms don't do rehearsal dinners at the downtown banquet hall, unless that banquet hall is linked to a stellar, five-star restaurant. These grooms spend months scouting the perfect gastropub to match the occasion, conduct taste tests with the finalists and work with the special events manager to craft the ideal menu for a large group of people who have nothing in common (i.e. opinions on food).

Photograph by Picotte Photography

• The Bigger Meal. Why would a Groom want to man up and take the reigns on the reception catering? Three reasons: (1) Getting to share that cocktail hour "concession stand" theme that's been brewing for a while. (2) The fact that the meal is one of the most memorable things about a wedding. If you score on food, you score major points across the board. (3) Making sure that the food pairs well with the beers you've selected. Yes, you know precisely where your priorities are.
• Cutting the [Groom] Cake. Rather than doing a groom's cake (unless you're really attached to it, in which case -- go to it!), incorporate your or your bride's favorite final course into the evening's festivities. If you think you've got it in you to design an epic dessert bar, start sketching out ideas. Personally, I'd love to see mini-Wendy's Chocolate Frosties on passing trays with french fries to dip. If a Groom could make that happen, he would be tops in my book. Just putting it out there.

Weddings on Wheels: an Interview with Komodo

A couple weeks ago I tackled one of TheKnot.com's predicted wedding trends for 2011: Man Caves. This week, I'm capitalizing on #8 on that list: Food Truck Weddings.
 

Waffles, tacos and dumplings -- oh yes! If you have a hunger for 

gourmet food trucks, embrace it wholeheartedly by requesting 

makeshift sidewalk carts during the cocktail hour or food 

trucks for the wedding after-party.
-TheKnot.com

The Groom Says actually called this trend in July of last year when we did our profile of LA's most mobile sensation, the Komodo food truck. Komodo's been named the hottest food truck in Los Angeles by nearly everybody, and rightfully so. Their gourmet fusion street food pleases both low- and high-brow clientele, giving food truck fans a range of burritos and tacos and a basket of Truffles Fries that make all those little voices disappear.

photo by MK3 Photography

And on top of it all, Komodo does weddings (as well as private parties, fine dine catering and craft services), offering a full wedding menu including appetizers, three-course dinners and "after-hour munchies." Their selection of entrees, hors d'oeuvres, soups, salads, sandwiches, sides, pastas and platters is as diverse as it is delicious.

I had an opportunity to sit down with Eric Tjahyadi, Director of Marketing and Events for Komodo, pick his brain about the Food Truck Wedding trend and bribe him for a free burrito.

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ERIC -- SO YOU AND YOUR BROTHER ERWIN (EXECUTIVE CHEF) ARE TWO OF THE CO-FOUNDERS OF KOMODO. EVER THINK YOU'D BE AN L.A. SENSATION?
Never in our wildest dreams. Erwin has always been super talented, and he knows his palette, so I knew people were going to love the food. However, we never thought it would be such a hit. We actually entered the food truck industry fairly early in the game when there weren't as many trucks out there -- with the intention of eventually opening up a restaurant -- so this was a delightful surprise.

AND NOW WE'RE WATCHING TRUCKS COMPETE ON TV.
I think food truckers are creative, resourceful and passionate hustlers, so if you mix them together, there's bound to be exciting moments. We definitely enjoyed watching The Great Food Truck Race. We were originally scheduled to be on it, but due to scheduling conflicts we had to withdraw our involvement. Looking back ... we would have had so much fun competing.

WHEN DID YOU GUYS BEGIN TO CATER AT WEDDINGS?
One of our first big events was a wedding actually. It was at a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills with tons of stars and celebrities. It definitely catapulted our popularity within the Hollywood community.

MOVIE STARS ARE WHORES FOR BURRITOS. HOW MANY WEDDINGS ARE YOU DOING THESE DAYS?
Weddings are seasonal events. We've been noticing that we do more from late spring to early winter. During our busiest season, we do 1-2 weddings per week. Not all of our weddings are the same, either. We've been to some interesting and non-traditional events in the past, so it's been a learning experience. One wedding we did was in a beautiful home overlooking the Malibu beach. There were a ton of Indonesians in the wedding party, so it was fun serving Indonesian-inspired cuisine to real Indonesians. 

photo by Bantigue Photos

YOU MUST HAVE PEOPLE MAKING TWO, THREE - EVEN FIVE TRIPS OUT TO THE TRUCK DURING THE RECEPTION.
Sometimes we use the venue kitchen to cook, depending on the facility and the wedding party's preference.

WHAT BOOZE GOES BEST WITH KOMODO FOOD?
Great pale ale beers and chilled white wine.

SPEAKING OF THE MENU ... ANY FAVORITE ITEMS? ANY MUST-HAVES?
Grilled Thai-spiced duck with cucumber salad. And Peruvian ceviche. 

THE PERFECT KOMODO GROOM CAKE?
White vanilla frosting with dark chocolate sponge cake and layers of wild berries. 

OKAY, SITUATION TIME: A GROOM RUNS UP TO THE TRUCK MINUTES BEFORE THE WEDDING, PANICKED, LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE. CLEARLY HE NEEDS A PEP TALK. ANY WORDS OF WISDOM? OR DO YOU GIVE HIM A DOGGIE BAG AND SEND HIM RUNNING INTO THE WOODS?
We would tell him to man up and personally escort him to the altar. Life is full of twists and turns -- you can't be afraid to take risks. That's been our philosophy since we started our business, and we never regretted it.


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You can check out Komodo online at komodofood.com and follow them on twitter (@komodofood) to find out when the truck will be in the neighborhood. For booking and catering inquiries, call (310) 498-7606.

Food For Thought: Helping Men Decipher Menus, Pt II

For those grooms out there who still can't read these damn things, please feel free to copy my homework.

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Tournedo of Beef with Japanese Horseradish Crust and Ginger Rice Wine Demi Glace

Tournedo - funnel-shaped windstorm

Japanese Horseradish - hot, flavored spice

Rice Wine - low-alcohol beverage

Demi Glace - rich brown sauce

Translation: Funnel-Shaped Beef in a Windstorm of Hot Crust and Alcoholic Brown Sauce

Those tournedo beef things made a hell of an impact

Citrus Dusted Filet Mignon with a Pommes de Terre Macaire with Black Truffles 

Citrus Dust - ground orange peels

Pommes de Terre Macaire - golden potato cake

Black Truffle - tuber melonosporum

Translation: Ground Orange Steak with Cake de Golden Potato with Tubular Melonosporum

Sips of Celeriac Soup with Carrot Coulis

Celeriac - knobby celery of the parsley variety

Coulis - thick sauce

Translation: Tiny Tastes of Knobby Variety Stew

See also: The Tiny Tim Variety Show

Burrata Speidini 

Burrata - Italian cheese with mozzarella and cream

Speidini - Italian skewers of meat or fish

Translation: Twice-Italian Skewers of Meat Mozzarella & Cream Fish 

Pan Fried Old Chatham Camembert with Fresh Berry Mustarde and Fresh Katchkie Farm Arugula 

Old Chatham - hamlet in the NE quadrant of the Chatham township

Camembert - soft, surface-ripened milk cheese

Mustarde - pretentious mustard

Katchkie - organic New York farm

Translation: Fried Hamlet Cheese with Pretentious Berries and Organic Stuff 

Not unlike:

Hamlet crying after that pretentious Yorick guy got snuffed ... organically speaking

Roasted Seckel Pear Filled with Meyer Lemon Fromage Blanc with Crisp Farm Greens and Crab Fritters

Seckel - brownish pear
Meyer Lemon - China citrus
Fromage Blanc - thick yogurt-like cheese
Fritters - fried cakes of batter
Translation: Roasted Brownish Fruit with Chinese Yogurt Cheese with Salad and Fried Batter Crab

Beef Jibarito with Guajillo on Plantain

Jibarito - flattened Chicago sandwich 
Guajillo -Southwestern shrub 
Plantain - tropical banana plant 
Translation: Southwest Chicago Beef & Banana Sandwich

Obama knows all about the Chi-Town Banana and Beef

Stilton Tarts with a Port Wine Syrup and Gala Apple Puree

Stilton - English, waxy white cheese
Port - Portuguese-style fortified wine
Wine Syrup - sugared wine
Gala - festive celebration
Puree - cooked, blended vegetables or fruit
Translation: English Wax Tarts with Portuguese Sugar Wine and Blended Apple Dance-off

Sauteed Barramundi over Lyonnais Style Beets with Wilted Greens, Caviar Beurre Blanc

Barramundi - plural of Barramunda
Lyonnais Style - Medieval French province
Caviar - roe of sturgeon
Beurre Blanc - white butter
Translation: Several Sauteed Barramundas on Top of Medieval French Beets with Old Lettuce and White Butter Roes

Not to be confused with: 

 Several Barracudas gettin' busy on some wet lettuce

White and Chocolate Dacquoise with Candied Grapefruit

Dacquoise - nut meringue layer cake
Candied - impregnated with sugar; also flattering
Translation: White Nuts and Chocolate Meringue Impregnated with Flattered Fruit

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(Still confused? Check out Part I of "Food for Thought" here.)

The Conversation Starter

I can't begin to tell you how refreshing it is to have a caterer who cares ... and not only cares about what they do, but cares about the food that they are going to serve at your wedding; cares how it all blends together; and cares enough to chit chat on the phone for 45 minutes, bounce ideas around, throw the pasta on the wall and see what sticks.

(So to speak.)

2E's first conversation with Kim Pistone, in truth, lasted much longer than she anticipated. Being twenty-six and raised in a Google-infested world, 2E's and I converse primarily over email. Kim, on the other hand, needs to have a conversation. She's got a vivid personality, and a certain amount of electricity when talking about food. And her food has a homemade quality because, well, that's where it originated: "We used to have this ----- ------- when I was a kid. I don't know where the hell it came from, it sounds ridiculous, but it was so good. You could totally have that as a passed hors d'oeuvre." She's up for suggestions, and at the same time ready to dish some out if you're still not won over. It's remarkable.

It's not to say that, at some point, we didn't glance at a menu -- we certainly did. But rather than a strict menu of options...

Select 3 Stationery Plates

Select 4 Passed Hors D'oeuvres

Select 2 Main Entrees and 2 Side Dishes

Select 2 Desserts

... Kim's was a jumping off point. A conversation starter. In fact, I believe it was just a sample menu from a wedding she'd done previously. Sure, she has her favorite apps and dishes she knows will succeed, but she can appreciate that every event is unique and that having only four options on a menu can only limit the possibilities. She considers the average age of your guests; she considers the season ("Ooo... a --------- ------ ---- would be perfect for early October."); she takes it all into consideration, and then she'll expect you to call her. Cause she can't email you when she's standing over a stove all day.

Point taken.

I can't neglect to mention: when we first met her at our reception venue back in March, Kim presented us with a Glad tupperware container of homemade truffled macaroni and cheese, which we (and some friends who were happy to indulge) thought was simply out of this world. Kim later emailed -- totally out of character -- and apologized. Her 6-year-old son tasted the leftovers and told her it was too bitter. She had to agree.

Priceless.

A 2E's Weekend in NYC

My beloved 2E's joined me in the big city this past weekend to help celebrate the Opening Night of The Irish Curse Off-Broadway and be my self-proclaimed "hot fiancee date" for all things opening-related. I know. I'm blessed. 

The AMNH turned us away because her purse was too hip.

(You can read the AP theatre critic's review here via the Huffington Post, should you be so inclined.)

It was a wild weekend, between theatrical madness and festive dinners and in-law brunches (the MOG, FOG and FOB joined us as well), but we all made it through in one piece. In fact, 2E's and I had enough steam to keep our tasting reservations on Mon. -- one scheduled for noon, the other for 5PM. And despite the lack of sleep, despite the rain, and despite the fact that we were still full from the parental brunch overdose this weekend, we believe we made a decision!

(I say believe because we've learned not to rush into our decision-making. I call that progress, readers.)

For us, the decision-making was more about the person that sat across from us than the food that was presented to us. We knew the food would be good. For 2E's and I, the top priority was personality -- both in the caterer and in the menu they crafted. Not only do we want someone who is approachable, likable and willing to work with us and for us (who doesn't), but we also want a menu that reflects both our personalities and our caterer's unique flair and style.

Leaving the Party Rental Manhattan showroom (where we were surrounded by countless stemware and flatware and Chiavari chair-ware), 2E's and I seemed to be on exactly the same page ... and, of course, it was the caterer who we expected to fall in love with in the first place ... the one who first swept us off our palates with her initial ideas about what she might serve at our wedding, based on one 30-minute phone conversation with my fiancee. So we're going to take what remains of this week to review our options, take a fifteenth look at the menus (our eyes may glaze over permanently), make a final and informed decision, and cross one more damn thing off our endless to-do list.

***One other quick note: after our first tasting, we shared some of our preferred caterer's baked mac & cheese with our Irish Curse writer and producer (they were bowled over) and our producer's brother Keith. Keith's been married for 22 years now and decided to pass on the following when he heard about our engagement (paraphrasing alert):

You already know you're going to get a lot of worthless advice now from anybody who thinks they know anything about being married. When I got married, all of my co-workers were weighing in, and they said, "Here's the thing: you have to lay down the ground rules first thing. First thing. If you want to play 18 rounds of golf three days out of the week, you tell her that that's what you're going to do, and you do it."

And so I asked them, "How often do you play golf these days?" And they all said, "Oh, once or twice a year. If I get out there."

So here's MY worthless advice: everything she says is right. I know, it's hard to imagine at first, and you won't want to admit it. But after about a year or so, you'll realize, "Oh man -- Keith was right -- everything she says is absolutely right. Huh." And that's it. That's the key.

Groom. Taste. Food.

I'm thinking back to my very first post on this blog (back to a time when this blog was actually titled Nod and Smile) and a list I'd created of the typical groom's skills and priorities -- a list that shared no components with those of women and brides.

"We've known this for centuries. We GUYS aren't built for this. Our ancestral cavemen never had to participate in this ritual. 'This' being ... oh ... comparing venue pricing; researching catering companies; snipping decor pics out of 2-inch thick bridal magazines. We're no good at it. What are we good at? Easy:

1.)  Grilling
2.)  Saying no to things we don't like
3.)  Prioritizing
4.)  Feeding ourselves (this is typically #1 on our list of priorities)
5.)  Amusing ourselves (typically #2)"

Needless to say, my views of and opinions about the wedding industry have changed in the past six months. I've become more worldly in my old age. I've found that comparing venue pricing isn't as complicated as it seems and that many brides are as disturbed by bridal magazines as we are...

...but even then, I knew that #4 would come in handy sooner or later. As a matter of fact, that day is Monday.

2E's and I will be visiting our two favorite Brooklyn caterers in a few days to sample some of the menu options they've been pricing out for us for the last month. They couldn't be more different -- one has its own storefront, a set menu of items to choose from and fixed pricing, and the other is independently run, has no "home base" per se, and creates a custom menu for each client. Both setups have their own advantages; god knows we're not making our decision based on their corporate structures. Honestly, all that matters to me is that the food tastes fantastic. 80% of our guests are traveling over 1000 miles to make an appearance at our ceremony, and we have every intention to serve the best damn food that we can ... within our budget.

You really can't have enough ClipArt.

Side note: "Within our budget" is like the new "in bed," isn't it?

GUY: "She's trying to make it work ... in bed."
GROOM: "She's trying to make it work ... within our budget."

Needless to say, we're excited about the prospect of meeting some new people, sampling some amazing food and convincing them that a few mentions on The Groom Says blog are valuable enough to take $1000 off the estimate.

Haha. No, but seriously. Is it?

At the start of this caterer-selection process, I anticipated doing thousands of tastings. Thousands per week, perhaps. That is, until I found out that tastings cost $$$ ... X number of dollars to cover the cost of the meal and the time and the service ... X number of dollars that will be deducted from our final bill should we decide to book with them. Upon that discovery, our anticipated number of tastings dropped from 20,000 to 2.

And no complaints! None at all. I know how time-consuming and expensive it is to cook up two servings of glazed duck last minute. And if they didn't charge, I can only imagine how many people would take advantage ... people like me ... like grooms. Don't believe me? Just pay a visit to any culinary academy on Free Eats night. Or any participating Denny's on Free Grand Slam Day. Ben & Jerry's on Free Cone Day. We're a desperate people, we.

 Not unlike what 2E's and I will be sampling on Monday. Minus the links.

Second Side Note: Today is my 2E's birthday! She turned 26 this morning with our kitty Scooter by her side. If you have a moment, wish her a Happy Birthday on Twitter @jofosterwilson.

much love,
madman

Food For Thought: Helping Men Decipher Menus

2E's has asked me to look through several menu options this week ... and ... I'm sorry, I just can't keep it in any longer. 

I can't read. Them. I can't read them.

What are these words? Why is everything French all of a sudden? What the hell are Haricots Verts and why are they in every dish?

Men -- here's a first stab at a few common wedding dishes. Indulge.

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Ouray Cheese Baskets

Ouray - historic Colorado city, zip code 81427

Ouray Cheese - earthy buttery cheese with a sweet floral flavor, firm creamy paste and crisp edible natural rind

Cheese Baskets - hardened, baked cheese disc molded into a basket shape

Translation: Colorado Cheese Discs with Floral Paste Rinds 

Not to be confused with: Cheese Gift Baskets

See also: Ouray Cheese Wheels, Ouray Cheese & Crackers, Ouray Chuck E. Cheese

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Andouille en Croute 

Andouille - coarse-grained smoked meat made using pork, pepper, onions, wine and seasonings, originated in France

en Croute - wrapped in pastry and baked 

Translation: Coarse French Meat, Wrapped and Baked
Modern Translation: Pigs in a Blanket

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Roasted Poblano on Stone Ground Grit Cake 

Poblano - mild chile pepper originating in Mexico (dried, it is called an ancho chile)

Stone Ground - technique for grinding grains, leaves the grain coarser and the germ intact

Grit Cake - chilled, leftover grits cut into various shapes

Translation: Roasted Mexican Pepper on Coarse Leftover Grits with Germs

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Juniper-Cured Gravlax 

Juniper - coniferous plants of the cypress family with needle-like leaves

Gravlax - cured raw salmon

Translation: Needle-Like Salmon ... Double-Cured

----- 

Sake-Cured Lemon Wheels

Distant Cousin of: Ouray Cheese Wheels

 
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Lotus Root Chip 

Lotus root - rhizome of the lotus plant, full of fiber and other nutrients

Chip - (1) a small thin slice of food, or (2) a piece of dried dung

Translation: Thin Slice of Fiber Plant
Alternate Translation: Dried Fiber Dung 

  

Not to be confused with: Lotus Root Chip & Dip

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Truffled Foie Gras Croustade on Brioche, Pickled Fennel and Lingonberries 

Truffled - cooked, stuffed, or garnished with truffles

Foie Gras - expensive, silk-textured goose or duck liver that has been enlarged

Brioche - light slightly sweet bread made with a rich yeast dough

Croustade - crust or pie-crust of any type, typically made of flaky pastry

Fennel - a biennial or perennial herb, common on all Mediterranean shores

Lingonberries - red, tart and smaller than cranberries but with a finer flavor

Translation: Flaky, Truffle-Garnished Duck Liver on Yeasty Bread, Mediterranean Herb with Pickles & Tart, Tiny Berries 
Modern Translation: Duck Sandwich

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Gougères Epoisse with Prosciutto Mousse

Gougeres - cheese-flavored choux pastry

Epoisse - a pungent, unpasteurized, washed-rind cows-milk cheese made in the village Époisses in the Côte-d'Or

Prosciutto - dry-cured ham that is usually sliced thinly and served uncooked

Translation: Pungent French Puff with Uncooked Ham Cream

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Truffled Mushroom Feuilleté Parmigiano Panna Cotta 

Feuillete - dough used for very light flaky rich pastries

Panna Cotta - Italian egg custard

Translation: Truffle-Stuffed Mushroom Dough with Egg Cheese Custard
Modern Translation: Pastry Thingy

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Tuna "Cru" Caperberries and Olives, on Olive Ficelle

Cru - Tahitian raw tuna in lime and coconut milk

Caperberries - oblong, semi-green berries on the caper plant, about the size of table grapes, with some lemon taste and milder than caper buds

Ficelle - type of bread (similar to a demi-baguette)

Translation: Tahitian Coconut Tuna with Lemon Berries & Olives on Olive French Stick Bread

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Roasted Salsify with Chanterelles, Haricot Verts, Thyme, Red Wine Demi-Glace

Salsify - root vegetable with oyster-flavored flesh

Chanterelles - wild and nutty mushroom with a trumpet-shaped head

Haricot Verts - green string bean with French attitude

Demi-Glace - rich brown reduction of meat stock, Madeira or sherry, and other ingredients

Translation: Roasted Oyster Flesh with Trumpet Mushrooms, Angry String Beans, Thyme & Brown Wine Reduction 
Modern Translation: The Veggie Option

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Fig and Hazelnut Financier

Financier - a small cake or cookie that is made with ground nuts and whipped egg whites, soft like sponge cake

Translation: Fruit, Egg and Ground Nut Sponge

Often mistaken with the phrase: "Grabbing your financial adviser by the fig and hazelnuts."

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Salade Gourmande Mâche, Haricots Verts, Foie Gras, Black Truffle, Quail Egg

Gourmande - a person who appreciates eating and drinking, sometimes to excess

Mache - European salad green, called "lamb's lettuce" in English

Black truffle - fungal fruiting body, grows exclusively with oak

Quail egg - wonderful alternative to chicken eggs with beautiful shells and delicately-flavored yolk

Translation: Excessive Lamb Lettuce Salad with French Beans, Black Oak Fungus, Enlarged Goose Liver and Chicken-Like Easter Eggs

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Cinnamon Babka Pain Perdu Bourbon Crème Anglaise

Babka - spongy yeast cake with fruit and raisin filling

Pain Perdu - French toast made from left over New Orleans-style French bread

Creme Anglaise - rich custard sauce, used as a topping to fruits and pastries

Translation: Cinnamon-Filled French Yeast with Rich, Kentucky Whiskey Custard
Modern Translation: Grand Slam Breakfast

Catering, in the Biblical Sense

God knows I like to pretend I'm somebody. I'm very Bret Easton Ellis that way.

Back in the day (so to speak), I would take 2E's out to dinner at what we thought to be the snazziest restaurants in Manhattan. Hell, we were the youngest couple at Nobu by at least 12 years. And as part of our 7-day stay in Puerto Vallarta, we hiked up an unfriendly hillside through dark, unfriendly alleyways (2E's in the unfriendliest pair of heels) to visit one amazing Mexican restaurant where I had a generous portion of ostrich for the first time ever. At least I think it was ostrich. Perhaps it was [insert rarely eaten bird here].

And it's not because 2E's and I are at all snazzy ourselves -- no-no, we're far from it -- but we do appreciate a good meal. Good service. Good food. A "no bullshit" experience.

Having said that, even we -- connoisseurs of food that we believe ourselves to be -- cannot comprehend the outrageous price of catering.

Well, I should amend that. "...the outrageous price of New York catering."

We have been speaking to the kindest, most personable caterers for the last three months of this seemingly interminable journey. They get us. They get our vibe, assuming we have one. And on top of it, they want to put their own spin on our wedding, which we love. But the Grand Total at the bottom of their proposed menu is absurd.

Is it standard? I'm assuming. I'm assuming X and Y are by no means out to screw us in the Biblical sense. Why would they?

No, this is just the world of weddings, and 2E's and I have (in our infinite wisdom) chosen to be wed in the city where catering costs run rampant. God forbid we try to contact one of the larger, more reputable companies like "Preat Gerformances." Uttering our meager catering budget over the phone would send a wave of laughter through their SoHo headquarters. Little do they know that we would gladly bus tables and do dishes at our own wedding to have just a passing acquaintance with their passing tray aperitifs.

2E's thinks the next month would best be spent seeking out other proposals and "getting creative." I suppose this means requesting pricing information from smaller companies, shredding rejected proposals and using the shredded paper to prepare shredded paper salads -- our very reliable back-up should we not find an affordable alternative. Doesn't get more DIY than that.