The FOB Says

Six years ago you were terrified to meet him. Last year you hopped on a plane, hopped into a rental car, drove to his Chapel Hill home and woke him from his sacred midday nap to ask him for his daughter's hand in marriage. And in less than two months, he'll be escorting your 2E's down the aisle, jotting down the bullet-points of your vows on the palm of his hand and ensuring that you uphold those promises for, like, forever.

But at this moment in time, Reid Wilson -- FOB and father-in-law to-be -- has stopped in with a semi-fresh pot of coffee and a bowl of peanuts to answer some groom-related questions and to help ease our nerves. So to speak. 

SO WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE STEVE MARTIN PLAY YOU IN A MOVIE? DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO FILL HIS BIG, SARCASTIC SHOES?? 
Isn't it the other way around? If Steve Martin is playing me, doesn't he have to fill my big sarcastic shoes? And speaking of Steve Martin, shouldn't you and your 2E's be working on your vows about now...? Only 58 days left. 

GOOD POINT - ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THE VOW DEPARTMENT? ANYTHING I SHOULDN'T PROMISE?? 
As I recall, my wives and I worked on our vows separately and then compared notes later. That's about all I remember now.

I'm not one for giving advice, but I think there is some expectation here since I've read the BM and the FOG and the MOO interviews...

YOU MEAN THE MOH INTERVIEW. 
Right. So. OK...

(a) Absolutely memorize your vows, and don't bring the script up there as back-up in case you "get nervous and black out." Man up!
(b) When my brother Phill turns to you and signals, ask in a quiet but audible voice, My turn? When he nods, shrug your shoulders innocently and begin. This will get everyone's attention. You know how they tend to drift of during those monotonous parts.
(c) At some point during your vows, create a pregnant pause and appear to get somewhat choked up. (I saw you do it in that college production of Macbeth, so I know you have it in you.) Helps get the audience on your side.

(d) Don't use rhymes. Not even iambic pentameter.
(e) Don't promise anything that you can't actually pull off. And while poetry itself is out of the question, you can certainly take poetic license in service of sentimentality. Remind 2E's that you love her deeply and that you will always keep her best interests in mind throughout your lives. That's what's important. Say the stuff that makes them go, "Ah."
(f) But drop the "obey" stuff. It's not expected, and it sounds pedestrian.

AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T GIVE ADVICE ... DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR VOWS IN SAFEKEEPING SOMEWHERE? MAYBE I CAN STEAL SOME OF YOUR ZINGERS?
Oh, yes. And no, absolutely not. 

COME OCTOBER, YOU'LL BE WALKING DOWN THE AISLE FOR THE FIRST TIME. HAVE YOU BEEN PRACTICING YOUR GAIT?
Oh, nuts! I forgot to worry about that minor detail ... I've been so wrapped up in the bathroom floral arrangements. Now I have a little pain in my tummy.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR PHILL AS OUR NON-DENOMINATIONAL OFFICIANT?
I have the utmost confidence in Phill, and you should, too. Every time he's had master-of-ceremonies-type responsibility, he never fails to pull off some masterful prank. He's a hoot! Like three years ago, at Uncle Ralph's funeral, he -- oh, well, I don't want to spoil the surprise.  

Reid (right) and 2E's Uncle Phill, hamming it up circa 1955

HMM. MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE YOU STANDING-BY AS A BACK-UP...
Actually, I did play the role of the priest at our parents' 50th wedding anniversary, set in the basement of the Catholic Church in Boston. But the collar I'd fashioned was way too stiff, and I moved around like I was in a body cast. And I was far too serious during the homily -- it seemed right when I was writing it, but people like to be entertained. You won't have that problem with Phill. He's a riot.

FROM WHAT YOU'VE READ OF THE BLOG, HOW HAS WEDDING PLANNING CHANGED IN THE LAST 10/20 YEARS?
As I experience secondhand your involvement in the process, I am filled with severe regret. If only I had known that I could have taken a 5-hour event and stretched it out to a joyous year's-worth of "honey do" lists...

 Reid's clerical work and the infamous collar 

OKAY -- BEACHY, WOODSY OR URBAN HONEYMOON? 
I'm missing the point of this question, Madman. I mean, you've already made your decision. This sounds like a fluff question. Like you're just trying to fill space.

Hey - wait! Is this whole interview, like, to just fill space? Like, existentially meaningless?? 

PROBABLY. YES. GETAWAY VEHICLE AT YOUR WEDDING? 
Actually, I didn't get away. I went through with both weddings in their entirety. And I have absolutely no regrets.

FAIR ENOUGH. BUT IF YOU WERE TO PLAN YOUR ESCAPE... 
 ...oh, hypothetically speaking, if I were to need a getaway vehicle, I'd pick a stationary bike.

Why Skype Saved Our Wedding, Pt 2

The ceremony inevitably sets the tone. In any wedding I've ever attended (like in any movie you've ever seen) the actual dialogue of the ceremony, of the opening act, is what makes or breaks the wedding.

(Okay, it probably can't break the wedding, you know, but the reception might evolve into chicken dancing and teething garters and potentially end in much-too-literal Donna Summer hits.)

The best thing about having 2E's uncle as our officiant is how invested he is in the role: he's seeking out advice from his own pastor; turning to philosophical reading material for inspiration; and asking us to play a huge part in his preparation.

Phill hopped on the web-cam with us last week to discuss our initial ideas about the wedding and to tell us what he thinks his role entails. Best of all, he's respectful -- it's true that our religious beliefs don't necessarily mesh with his, and that's okay. We address love rather than religion. Faith in each other as opposed to faith in a higher power. Phill's given us questions to ponder and passages to write -- wedding homework, if you will -- and he wants our vows to shape the text. It's exactly what we were looking for and precisely what our ceremony needs to become a solid jumping off point.

Here's to making a great movie.

Officiate This

In the ongoing effort to personalize and customize and otherw-ize our wedding, 2E’s and I have asked her Uncle Phill to officiate. We initially considered spiritual world guru Sylvia Browne, but Phill was more flexible. And infinitely less creepy.

When we first introduced the idea to Phill, pulling him aside at our engagement party and (in a way) “popping the question,” he seemed a bit stumped. And perplexed. And honored. But, again, perplexed. And rightfully so.

If memory serves me, his initial response was:

“Wow. Can I do that?”

When you’re planning a non-religious ceremony, you really only have two options: (a) make fast friends with the mayor and ask him to officiate, or (b) spring the responsibility on a friend or loved one. But as with Sylvia Browne, we just assumed that Mayor Bloomberg isn't very flexible. And is infinitely more creepy. Phill, on the other hand, has a fantastic presence, a consistently positive aura and a worldly sense of humor. To dislike Phill would mean that you were a generally dislikeable person who chooses to dislike likable people.

Once we had his consent, 2E’s and I knew we had our work cut out for us. (Yes, SOME people may have done some research PRIOR to popping the question but WE are NOT those PEOPLE). Because Phill is not a city clerk or official or justice or notary (gee, thanks Phill), we knew we had to go the clerical route … so we began investigating the ordainment process for New York State, which now has three two basic requirements:

(1)   Officiant must be ordained by an established church

(2)   Officiant must hand over their firstborn child

(3)   Officiant must be registered with the NYC Marriage Bureau

Phill is a Presbyterian by faith, but the Presbyterian Church has strict guidelines for ordainment, i.e. four years in a seminary, two year application process, one year continuing education, etc. And while we respect the Presbysterian Church and its policies and all, 2E’s will likely wise up and leave me before October 2^nd, 2018.

A Google search of “getting ordained online” or any similar phrasing leads you to the United Life Church, more commonly known as the ULC. The ULC, headquartered in Modesto, CA, has been ordaining the masses since God knows when. There are no particular qualifications needed to become a minister – you need only fill out the form (online) and pay a nominal fee. Within weeks, your official ordainment certificate arrives in the mail.

Apparently the ULC is an actual, physical church, though the interior of that church is a mystery. It may very well be a middle-aged man in pajamas, sitting in front of a computer and beside a giant pile of money. This too may be the case for the Church of Dude-ism, which – as part of the ordainment certificate package – also presents its newly ordained ministers with a copy of The Big Lebowski or Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, alternatively. Sadly, since 2005, New York State has chosen not to honor ordainments presented by the United Life Church. I suppose they were tipped off by their slogan (“Over 1 Million Served”) and the Write-In-Your-Religion line on the certificate.

So we continue our hunt for the ideal online church – one that is lenient in its practices but appears authentic and legitimate and religious. And comes with a free DVD. Preferably Bill and Ted.