The MoH Says

If you're a loyal reader of this here blog, then our Maid of Honor Teresa needs no introduction ... but there's all this dang white space to fill, so here it is:

Aside from serving as 2E's Maid of Honor, Teresa is also a gifted actress, writer, blogger, fashionista, visual artist, decoupage enthusiast, Etsy shopkeeper, stationery designer, professional organizer, tutor, teacher and eco advocate. She's also been one of our best friends since college, a former roommate turned neighbor whose plethora of hats and numerous talents don't deter her from being a constant source of light and love and moral support for 2E's and I. 

(I should stop there before the Best Man retaliates. He gets jealous.)

Teresa took some time out of her rigorous wedding invitation calligraphing schedule (photos coming soon, I promise) to shed some light on her MoH duties and to provide some general awesomeness.   

THE ROLE OF MAID OF HONOR IS AN UTTER MYSTERY TO MOST GROOMS. WHAT THE HECK DOES THE MoH DO IN, SAY, 14 WORDS OR LESS? 

Besides instigating friendly wedding-themed competitions with the Best Man, a Maid of Honor's work is NEVER done. If the bride is Luke Skywalker, then the MoH is Han Solo. Indeed, if the bride begins battling her family members and starts to turn to the Dark Side, it is most certainly the MoH's job to pick her up in a kickass spaceship and love her regardless of her unleashed inner demons. In a 14-word summation: "The MoH is a great sidekick, constant friend and general handyman, always ready with a glass of wine."  

THAT'S WAY BEYOND 14 WORDS.  

Um ... "Do What She Says." Sound familiar, groom?

"Relax, kid, he's supposed to be at the end of the aisle. 

He's the groom for chrissake."

SO THE MoH RANKS JUST BELOW THE BRIDE AND RIGHT ABOVE THE GROOM - IS THAT ACCURATE?

Right-o. If 2E's is Luke, and I'm Han Solo, then you're Chewy.  

DESCRIBE THE PERFECT SPECIALTY COCKTAIL.  

Gin.  A little umbrella.  Don Draper.

WHAT VERY TRADITIONAL WEDDING ELEMENT DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE KEEPING FOR YOUR OWN BIG DAY? 

Hmm, a difficult query, Madman. But I'll go wiiiiiiith ... a bridal party rendition of Single Ladies at the reception. 

HOW VERY LATE 2008 OF YOU. SO ASIDE FROM YOUR MoH DUTIES, YOU'RE OFFICIATING ANOTHER WEDDING THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND! ARE YOU "OFFICIALLY OFFICIATED"?

Yes! No! Kind of! I am ... ahem ... "officially officiated" through the Universal Life Church, which can ordain you for FREE in under 2 minutes! You could marry yourselves! Heck, the entire wedding party could get ordained and marry each other. OR ... we could charge other couples to come to your wedding, marry them simultaneously for a reasonable fee, and make a couple bucks of the whole shebang! I mean, that would sweeten the whole deal, wouldn't it Chewy?

 We'll call it the Hamm & Beef-eater

YOU'RE SLOWLY BECOMING THE BEST MoH IN RECORDED TIME. HEY - WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ALL THIS FRIENDS AND RELATIVES PERFORMING CEREMONIES HOOPLA?

I lurve it.  It's so personal to have someone you love, who has been part of your relationship, be there for such an important step in your lives.  Particularly for those who don't have a strong religious community in their daily lives.

OFFICIANT ATTIRE?
I'm thinking Lady Gaga in Bad Romance.  Ironically, of course.

OF COURSE - BUT WILL THE IRONY READ IN PENNSYLVANIA?

If it's problematic, I'll throw out the whole outfit and really only insist on an eye-patch. 

That is one bitchin' upturned wedding veil, Gaga.  

HARRY POTTER THEMED WEDDINGS: TOO SOON OR TOO PERFECT?

Too SOON?! Clearly you're a muggle. 

AS DUCHESS OF STATIONERY, CAN YOU GIVE US A BRIEF LESSON ON THIS WHOLE ETSY BRIDAL INFATUATION? 

Ahh, it is a love that cannot be taught.  A woman's appreciation of Etsy is derived from a hope for a better world, a world where beauty is tantamount, a pure Utopian system of commerce is easy and kind, and Christmas isn't reserved for one day out of the year.  ETSY ROCKS! Even this MoH has been doing some premature bridal browsing online...

CAN YOU DIVULGE YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY PLANS IN 14 WORDS OR LESS?
You are not invited. 4 words. 

IMPRESSIVE. I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT 2E'S MADE A GOOD CHOICE HERE. 

Well I'm super excited for your wedding, and not just because my dress is rockstar hot. It's not every day you get to stand beside your best friends while they promise themselves a lifetime of partnership and joy. And just in case your uncle falls through, I'd be happy to jump in and marry you guys! All I ask is that I get to wear my Eye-patch of Matrimony.

And ... Moving On

While a certain sect of the internet marketplace dwells on the past and continues their manhunt (yawn), we're moving on. Our wedding is a day closer than it was yesterday. Two days closer than the day before. It's Day 63 of the BP oil spill. Let's move forward, people.

2E's and I are thrilled with the look of our invites and response cards, and in an effort to not completely ruin it for our guests, we won't be posting the images until all parties have received theirs in the mail -- hopefully by early July.

In the meantime, now that the invite design is over, we're designing the envelopes.

Yes, grooms, in the list of things you never thought you'd have to do, simply because it didn't sound like an actual task, you can add "designing envelopes." Working backwards, here are the three essential components of proper envelope embellishment:

1. SEALING IT

Plain old licking doesn't cut it anymore, guys. Apparently you need a custom-made sticker to leave an impression on the back of the envelope ... a costly, custom-made sticker with a cutesy design and return address that your guests will smile at momentarily and then TEAR through to get to the contents.

Our smart-chic graphic designer took a small component of the invite design and incorporated it on the return label ... so you get the a taste of the tone of our wedding from the moment you pick up the envelope. It's almost as smart-chic as she is.

2. STAMPING IT

Brides care about stamps. Which means you care about stamps. She wants them to match but not be too matchy. She wants them to tell the story, but not the wrong story. She wants people to notice them, but they better not steal the show. And you want all of those things too. So start browsing now.

P.S. Don't even mention the official "Love and Wedding" stamps. Don't. Even.

3. INSCRIBING IT

While we were content with mediocre calligraphy on the Save the Dates -- that would be my mediocre calligraphy, thank you -- we decided we should top ourselves for the invites. So we hired awesome artiste and kickass Maid of Honor (oh, and -- cripes -- Etsy shopkeeper) Teresa to bless our envelopes with her playful, ethereal handwriting.

We stuck her next to an orchid plant, fitted with her a plaid button-up shirt and put a pen in her hand. Without food or water. Boy what a difference dehydration makes!

In all seriousness, we're beyond blessed. I've absolutely underestimated penmanship -- and it is a much more laborious task that one would think. Thankfully Teresa spent years in the Philadelphia prison system, so laborious tasks are nothing new.