Bowling Below Average

Tonight the Best Man and I went bowling. Sometimes that's what needs to happen. A groom needs to get out of Wedding HQ, pull on a pair of rental shoes and get some man time. It's a health issue.

It wasn't until we'd come to the devastating end of our second match that I realized that Justin was throwing the games. He was bowling below average -- aiming for 6's and 7's, ne'er a spare in sight -- just to keep his Groom on the up. When I mentioned soon after what a "nail biter" this was, he began throwing with his left hand. This man knows his roll well.

And brides -- feel comforted. A Best Man who takes a dive on the lanes is the same Best Man who will keep us grooms sober, in-line, buttons aligned and laces tied when the time comes.

According to Wikipedia, above is a "Bride kidnapping in Central Asia, circa 1870."

Too, know that a well-trained best man with worldly training can possess these qualities taken from traditional best-man-hood-dom:

• defend the groom from would-be kidnappers
• defend the bride from would-be kidnappers (much more common)
• cough up the ransom should the bride (or groom) be kidnapped
• entertain the guests, sometimes for several hours, with jokes, riddles and haikus while the ransom is being collected
  
• restore order
• remind the bride how right she is
• remind the groom how little he matters in the big picture

I'm not saying that you couldn't accomplish these tasks single-handedly, ladies, because you absolutely could. In fact, we're hoping that you will. Your successful handling of things means that we can book out the third tier on the Chelsea Piers driving range and knock some balls into the Hudson River before the big moment. I suppose we men like to bond over games with balls.

But in the rare case that there's a rough patch (wherever it may be, whether it's mid-haiku or what-have-you), know that there's another someone there to provide back-up.

Inspiration #61

The Best Man Says

On the red-eye to Chapel Hill, NC, knowing I had less than 24 hours to get mom and dad's approval, retrieve her great-grandmother's ring and get back to Los Angeles ... the one thing I wasn't worried about was the excuse. 

Justin and I concocted a tale so perfectly spun that no one would question it ... even the woman who knows me best. We'd been talking up a trip to Joshua Tree for weeks. We'd drive over in the middle of the night, camp out, climb, explore, do some 'shrooms and then come home around midnight. Justin (being Justin) took it to the next level ... sending me fake itineraries via email, sharing the plans with our friends and being 100% out-of-sight on "Joshua Tree" day as to avoid suspicion. 

When my plane was delayed, it was Justin who answered 2E's frantic calls, assuring her that we'd fallen asleep in the desert, awoke in the dark, stopped at a diner and were now headed home (me sleeping in the passenger seat beside him), all without a stutter, without a hitch. So there's no question ... Justin is my best friend. And he's my Best Man.

I thought I'd take this opportunity to give him a voice on the blog, let him charm you a bit and hopefully remind me why I hired him for this gig in the first place.


SO ... YOU'RE MY BEST MAN. WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS AND STUFF?
Well, I have no prior experience being a Best Man (except in regional Man Competitions, i.e. Turlock and Monrovia).  However, of the qualifications I do possess for such a position, three spring to mind: (1) I know and love, and have known and have loved, both the 1E and 2E's for as long as they've known and loved each other; (2) 2E's does not hate me an unacceptable amount; and (3) I can almost recite The Big Lebowski by rote in its entirety.

WAIT, I'M SORRY ... YOU HAVE NO REAL PRIOR EXPERIENCE?
No.

TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED AT LEAST...
Negative, but I did grow up on a block where most of the families contained someone who was married. And I have multiple relatives that have been married AT LEAST twice. 

JESUS, CAN I RETHINK THIS?
Well, I'm not Jesus, but if I were, I think I would tell you to quit your whining and live with it cause this is gonna be hella awesome! 

ALRIGHT JESUS, YOU WIN. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'LL TURN FOR GUIDANCE ... SPIRITUAL OR OTHERWISE?
I've often found the Bible to be particularly useful in situations like this. (Ha ha, just kidding.) No, as always I will turn to The Big Lebowski. And perhaps the long-overlooked, 1992 gem, Bride of Killer Nerd.

RATE YOUR BEST MAN SPEECH IN ADVANCE:
I think there are at least two, but if you're referring to the one on the actual day of the wedding ... on a scale from one to awesome...? Awesome being ten...? Eh.

RATE MY DANCE MOVES:
Keep up that regimented practice schedule for the next year, and you should be at least acceptable in Slow, Modern, Tap, Jazz, Classical and Modern.

Oh, and Interpretive. Fingers crossed.

IF BOWIE PLAYED OUR WEDDING, WHAT MIGHT THE SET LIST BE?

Absolute Beginners

Modern Love

Soul Love

Loving the Alien

Love You Till Tuesday (single version)

New York's in Love

Beauty and The Beast

Lets Spend the Night Together

I've Been Waiting for You

Let's Dance

Be My Wife

Never Let Me Down

IMPRESSIVE ... BUT LET'S GET SERIOUS. WHAT SHOULD I BE EXPECTING FOR THE BACHELOR PARTY?
2E's is reading this, right? Then let's go with:

Quiet night at Starbucks with pals drinking earl grey and reminiscing in a circle about how their good chap, Madman -- once a groovy single dude -- is now taking the plunge with his wonderful, wonderful bride-to-be ... and remarking how undeserving he is. You are. Of her.

(Note: Part of this answer is true. Guess which part.) 

THE EARL GREY PART?
No.

OKAY, CRUNCH TIME: WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE FOLLOWING DIRE SITUATIONS?

1. THE RESTAURANT HOSTING OUR REHEARSAL DINNER IS ONLY SERVING MICHELOB ULTRA ON TAP ... WHAT DO YOU DO? 
Easy. Michelob also makes a fine brew by the name of AmberBock. I've already arranged for private, last minute distribution. If that falls through, we drink the beer I was going to use to bribe the Falafel vendor who needs to relocate his inconvenient truck for the evening of the reception.

2. THREE HOURS BEFORE THE WEDDING, AND I'VE MISTAKEN A BOTTLE OF QUAALUDES FOR A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN ... WHAT DO YOU DO?
Simple. Induce vomiting. We'll practice at the bachelor party.

3. THE CATERERS HAVE FORGOTTEN 2E'S VEGETARIAN ENTREE, PAULY SHORE HAS CRASHED THE RECEPTION AND SOMEONE JUST REQUESTED "THE ELECTRIC SLIDE" ... HOW MANY ASSES DO YOU HAVE TO KICK?
Only one. Pauly is a cater-waiter and is most likely the one requesting the electric slide. I would break his legs and cut his tongue out behind the DJ booth.  I'll also keep a head of lettuce in my back pant pocket. 

ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE OTHER BEST MEN OUT THERE?
Two things: (1) don't hire girls off the street, at least none with less than four teeth who reek of snapper; and (2) make sure your boy is dressed, on-time and at least sober enough to -- at the right moment -- nod and smile.

Inspiration #60: Hot Collector's Item

Magic Marker-Wielding Nightmares

No, I've never been to a b------- p----.

Fellow groom and longtime friend Ulises is losing his independence on March 13th in Captiva (a small island off the coast of Florida). As a groomsman, it's my responsibility not to plan or coordinate or arrange ... but rather to bug and pester him (and best man Alex) about the pre-wedding festivities.

Come the end of January, I may very well be in my '98 Sebring convertible, top down, driving through the desert to the b------- p---- capital of the world: Vegas. Made popular by Peter Berg's Very Bad Things and, more recently, by The Hangover, Vegas is where the betrothed go to bid their freedom farewell (and also to forget the hours between 11PM and 8AM). The hope is that, should we decide on the Strip, I'll be fortunate enough to document our trip--from the hotel room to the nightclub(s) to the casino(s)--and use code words where needed.

While in Miami, Ulises confessed that he'd been to one "gentleman's club" b------- p---- that still gives him nightmares; the throng of under-dressed women pulled the groom onto the stage platform, stripped him of his clothes and drew concentric circles around his unfortunate man-breasts (now prominent with hot pink magic marker), at which point he was forced to dance and frolic about the stage. His gentlemen guests sat around the stage, troubled, disgusted, dreading what might come next, knowing that there was no hope in saving this evening.

And my only question is, What the hell?

What kind of twisted send-off is that? What groom would actually enjoy that? I humiliate myself plenty already ... I certainly don't need a team of magic marker-wielding exotic dancers to do it for me. Rather than disrobe the man and accentuate his man-boobs, how about:

• inviting him to participate in a group improv 
• teaching him a useful vocational skill
• paper mache/crafts
• staging a demonstration on harassment in the workplace
• acting out that Matt Damon/Minnie Driver scene from Good Will Hunting 

I guess I wouldn't call any of those Very Bad Things -- unless someone were to totally murder that bedroom scene -- but it would be an educational evening. And isn't that what a b------- p---- should be?

Oh well. Take us out, Minnie:

     SKYLAR
You're the one that's afraid.

     WILL
What the fuck am I afraid of? 

     SKYLAR
You're afraid of me. You're afraid
that I won't love you back. And guess
what? I'm afraid too. But at least
I have the balls to give it a shot.

(Will begins to cry in a South Boston accent.)

You think you're so good, Will.
Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting. But 
you're not! Ha! I said it!

(She exits. Scene.)