January 8, 2010

Bowling Below Average

Tonight the Best Man and I went bowling. Sometimes that's what needs to happen. A groom needs to get out of Wedding HQ, pull on a pair of rental shoes and get some man time. It's a health issue.

It wasn't until we'd come to the devastating end of our second match that I realized that Justin was throwing the games. He was bowling below average -- aiming for 6's and 7's, ne'er a spare in sight -- just to keep his Groom on the up. When I mentioned soon after what a "nail biter" this was, he began throwing with his left hand. This man knows his roll well.

And brides -- feel comforted. A Best Man who takes a dive on the lanes is the same Best Man who will keep us grooms sober, in-line, buttons aligned and laces tied when the time comes.

According to Wikipedia, above is a "Bride kidnapping in Central Asia, circa 1870."

Too, know that a well-trained best man with worldly training can possess these qualities taken from traditional best-man-hood-dom:
  • defend the groom from would-be kidnappers
  • defend the bride from would-be kidnappers (much more common)
  • cough up the ransom should the bride (or groom) be kidnapped
  • entertain the guests, sometimes for several hours, with jokes, riddles and haikus while the ransom is being collected
  • restore order
  • remind the bride how right she is
  • remind the groom how little he matters in the big picture
I'm not saying that you couldn't accomplish these tasks single-handedly, ladies, because you absolutely could. In fact, we're hoping that you will. Your successful handling of things means that we can book out the third tier on the Chelsea Piers driving range and knock some balls into the Hudson River before the big moment. I suppose we men like to bond over games with balls.

But in the rare case that there's a rough patch (wherever it may be, whether it's mid-haiku or what-have-you), know that there's another someone there to provide back-up.

1 comment:

  1. Crap. Is there a class for defending against kidnappers that I could take? Just in case I'm asked to be a best man.