"Hi, my name is Madman, and I'm a groom who doesn't watch football.
Actually, I should broaden and clarify that statement. When I say watch I mean follow. I don't follow football. And when I say football I mean sports. I don't follow sports.
It could be my upbringing. Sure, Dad is a Dolphins fan as much as the next dad, but it was never a staple in our household. I've only been to about ten or twelve games, ever. I did play Little League for five years but crapped out the moment I got hit with a ball. Looking back, I guess I was a rather precious little ten-year-old.
The truth is that I've never been invested in it. Following a sport -- any sport -- is a time-consuming ordeal, and as with most things, I believe it's all or nothing. If I'm going to follow tennis, I would want to be able to predict swings. I would want to know both players' max speeds and the on-court official's officiating history. I would want to be present at all the matches -- not just the big ones. And the French ones, too. We're talking about an expensive endeavor.
Yesterday I stopped at Trader Joe's to get some demi baguettes and dried apricots -- not the most manly of grocery baskets. The friendly cashier began quizzing me (casually, sure, but it felt like an interrogation) about the Super Bowl. Thankfully I'd seen some coverage last week at the gym, so I knew the competitors, but that was the extent of my knowledge. I told him I wasn't a fan of either the Saints or the Colts.
Who's your team? he asks.
The Steelers, I say, a mechanical response I've grown accustomed to.
They had an okay season, he says, which is news to me. My team doesn't have a chance of going to the Super Bowl. Not in my lifetime anyway.
What team is that? I ask, dreading the response.
Oh-ho, I say, feigning a pity laugh. I have no idea what he's talking about.
Right? It's hopeless.
Hopeless. Eeesh. I am so lost. Might as well pack your bags now.
I later discovered that the Detroit Lions are the only team in NFL history to lose all 16 regular-season games (2008). They've also never qualified for a Super Bowl.
These are very obvious things that I should know ... shouldn't I? I should know when the seasons start. I should know the MVPs and which team belongs to which city. I should have a vague idea who won the last World Series, for chrissake.
It's my first time here, and I decided to come today because ... well ... I'm a groom. And a groom has responsibilities. I upped the Christmas gift this past December. I give 5% of my income to a jar in our kitchen marked Honeymoon. And for god's sake it's time for me to find a sport and like it. If anyone has any suggestions or inspiration, please let me know.
::mild group applause::
"Hi, I'm Maureen, and I'm a bride who doesn't use Etsy..."