How Tim Allen snuck into DIY Weddings Magazine

That's right. I managed to drop more than one Home Improvement reference into my article for DIY Weddings Magazine. I think that's reason enough to click on the image below and read the full article.

"DIH: Letting the Groom Do-It-Himself"

Flip to page 14 and check out the two-page spread dedicated to grooms. The Summer issue is on sale now.

Special shout-outs to: DIY Weddings Magazine Founder and CEO Kym Stelmachers, photographers Joanna Wilson and Noah Devereaux, and graphic artist Charles Hearn, whose wedding favor design is featured on page 15.

Hand-Canceling: sending your groom to do the dirty work

For most grooms, planning begins with a lesson in wedding lingo. Close on the heels of the engagement, we're asked to learn words like fiancé and boutonnière and mélange, words that hadn't yet entered our vocabulary, words that occasionally come equipped with accent marks but don't tell us which way they're leaning.

And when we come to hand-canceling, we think to ourselves, that can't be what it sounds like. Only two possible definitions come to mind. 

a  a gesture agreed upon by the bride, groom and DJ, which, when executed, signifies a change in song (ex: "If you play the Electric Slide, I swear to god, I will hand cancel the crap outta that song.")

b  (biblical:) an act of disfigurement in which a groom's hand is mangled or amputated as a result of tardiness, failure to complete a task, or any unsatisfactory performance (ex: "Dude, if you're not at that tasting in 20 minutes, she's gonna hand cancel you with a butter knife.")

(I just submitted the above to UrbanDictionary.com.)

What it refers to is postage stamps that have been "cancelled" by a stamp ... by hand. And there's a need for such a thing in the wedding world. No one wants to spend hours on an ornate invitation envelope design, only to have that envelope fed through and mauled in a stamping machine.

Factory farming ... for envelopes

And these days, grooms, there's all sorts of drama about hand canceling. (Imagine: all this drama about something you never even knew existed.) In the good ol' days, post office employees were happy to hand stamp envelopes, as long as it wasn't rush hour or the Christmas season. Today, most post offices will charge you for the service; or they direct you to a post office that might do it; or they just decline altogether; OR they tell you they'll do it, but "you should know, despite your efforts, the envelopes are likely to go through a machine anyway."

 The automatic feeders. Where envelopes go to die.

So what's the solution? Less ornate envelopes? E-vitations?

No, the solution is making hand-canceling the new groom task. Throughout wedding planning, I was asked to perform a number of tasks that involved acquiring things or expressing disapproval or putting pressure on those who needed some putting of pressure. So, brides - why not send the men in to employ some gentle coercion with the local postal staff? Like a bouncer in the most uninteresting, under-dressed nightclub ever conceived, your groom will march in there and demand hand canceling ... and no, don't hand him the stamp, postal person, cause he won't be doin' it his damn self.

Grooms - you're going to be facing some stiff competition, so prepare accordingly. Know your opponent. If it's a male employee, don't approach the glass with a smile and your top shirt button undone. Know too that you may be waiting a bit while you observe the stamping (it's a rookie mistake to assume they'll do it once you leave). In other words, prepare some activities to keep you occupied: read a book, clear your inbox, or present your famous spiel on the advantages and disadvantages of the Pony Express. Complete the task by chaperoning said envelopes on their postal journey, ensuring that they are remain pure and intact. This is your charge, groom.

And whatever you do, don't return home without getting the job done, or your may find your hands canceled. In the biblical sense.

What Your Choice in Condom Reveals About You as a Groom

Your protection preference tells your fiancee a great deal about you and your manhood. Even your condom inventory -- whether it's the Costco-sized packs in the bedside drawer, or that singular raincoat stashed discreetly in your wallet -- reveals too much.

Well, little did you know that your Trojan selection also speaks volumes about how you'll behave as a groom. Let's break it down.

Her Pleasure, Her Wedding

Boy do women love you and the warm, tingling sensation of your latex lubricant. Why? Because you are all about her. If she wants you and your groomsmen to have your own set of hot pink bouquets to "soften" your look, you're certainly not going to be the one to tell her no. Because like that ribbed and contoured design, your only real purpose is to make her happy ... even if you never get to make yourself happy.

Sensitive to Her Needs
For the groom who's barely there, and the bride who doesn't seem to care.

...to go with that XL boutonniere.
Apparently you're 30% more involved than the average groom. Wow. Congratulations. You must be really proud.

Unless you're one of those guys whose extended involvement is just a means of compensating for your performance in other areas. Just don't let your groom responsibilities slip as a result of your headiness (or lack thereof).

No Bells, Whistles or Lubrication
One thing this groom isn't is contemporary -- and neither is his wedding. Expect a straight-forward courthouse ceremony and a small gathering at his mother's house that afternoon. And while the excitement may die down before it even begins, at least this bride knows exactly what she's getting.

My lord, this cake is dry.

An Extended Engagement
You courted this girl for close to a decade, and the two of you have been engaged for, what, three years? And now that the date is around the corner, your only input is that the party should go all night. It almost seems, groom, like you don't want this wedding to come to an end. Perhaps it stems from a very real fear that (despite the special additive "Climax Control" lube) the evening is going to end prematurely out of sheer anticipation.

Stay strong, groom. Just think of baseball.

Gastro-Groom: another role for guys who kill it at the tasting

We've paid tribute to the e-Grooms and the MC Grooms out there ... but there's a large demographic of men that we haven't accounted for. I'm talking about those grooms who can't get out of the kitchen: men who cook, men who eat, even those men who are particular about the ingredients on their pizza. Men who dine, men who drink wine, and men who mix Coke and Orange Fanta at the soda dispenser.

Let us now honor those men who will listen to their stomach before they'll listen to their heart; the guys who think their taste palate should decide the color palette. Without further ado:

The Gastro-Groom

The ceremony wasn't THAT long, Paul.

One would think that the Gastro-Groom wouldn't have much to contribute to a wedding ... but one would be wrong. Read on.

• Brunch. Gastro-Grooms are saddled with the gruesome task of sitting down with their Best Man and coming up with a "man cave"-like hang out for the morning of the wedding. It could be a restaurant; it could be a bar; it could be a driving range with an eighteenth hole diner. Whatever it is, it's the one aspect of the wedding that your bride has ZERO say in. So soak it up, Groom. This feeling won't last long.
• Premium Selections. Anyone can handpick a couple liquors and beers and call it a bar ... but only a Gastro-Groom can do it with class. Do some serious research to make this task worthwhile. Experiment with cocktails. Select an assortment of beers to please different palates (an amber, a pilsner, a stout, a seasonal, a "lite," etc.). And chat with bartender buddies about quantities; most bartenders have a good sense of what people drink most often and how much the average person will consume in 4 hours. They'll also give you tips on what liquors need to and need not be premium.

We covered the spectrum with bottles of red and white on the table, sangria on passing trays, and Pacifico, Beck's, New Castle, Heineken Light & Brooklyn Lager at the bar. Photograph by Picotte Photography.

• King of the Tasting. Gastro-Grooms don't just show up at tastings; they own them. Gastros dress up for the occasion, ask the right questions and rate the food on a rather complex Gastro-scale, which comes in handy when you can't remember which caterer had those sweet ass sweet potato fries.
• Feeding the Jet Lagged. Not all hotels offer decent room service, and you don't want guests who've flown halfway across the country to have to resort to the $18 bag of M&Ms in the mini bar. Source out some awesome sweets (baked goods make a strong first impression), as well as some healthier options to re-energize your weary travelers, and let that be your contribution to the hotel welcome baskets.
• Feeding the Bride. Wedding week is chaotic. It's 11AM one minute and 4PM the next. Assuming you're not as bogged down as your bride, be a good (pre)husband and make sure she's eating. If you're staying at a hotel, find a nearby deli or bistro and grab a couple to-go menus for the room.
• The Smaller Meal. Gastro-Grooms don't do rehearsal dinners at the downtown banquet hall, unless that banquet hall is linked to a stellar, five-star restaurant. These grooms spend months scouting the perfect gastropub to match the occasion, conduct taste tests with the finalists and work with the special events manager to craft the ideal menu for a large group of people who have nothing in common (i.e. opinions on food).

Photograph by Picotte Photography

• The Bigger Meal. Why would a Groom want to man up and take the reigns on the reception catering? Three reasons: (1) Getting to share that cocktail hour "concession stand" theme that's been brewing for a while. (2) The fact that the meal is one of the most memorable things about a wedding. If you score on food, you score major points across the board. (3) Making sure that the food pairs well with the beers you've selected. Yes, you know precisely where your priorities are.
• Cutting the [Groom] Cake. Rather than doing a groom's cake (unless you're really attached to it, in which case -- go to it!), incorporate your or your bride's favorite final course into the evening's festivities. If you think you've got it in you to design an epic dessert bar, start sketching out ideas. Personally, I'd love to see mini-Wendy's Chocolate Frosties on passing trays with french fries to dip. If a Groom could make that happen, he would be tops in my book. Just putting it out there.

Monday Morning Rant

A Twitter conversation upset me a bit more than it should have last week.

Strike that -- it upset me more than I should have let it upset me. A bride who shall go nameless sent last week's e-Groom post (some responsibilities for grooms who find themselves online more than the average person) to her fiance. In short, he and his buddies joked about how "ridiculous" this blog was. This comment sums it up:

I wouldn't trust any dude that blogs about weddings.

As any fellow blogger will tell you, I didn't feel that these guys were attacking me personally. And I don't mean to single them out either. But I feel that it's all part of a much bigger, unspoken conversation.

I don't hear from grooms too often, but I hear from their brides. I hear from brides who are obliterated from all of the planning and the scheduling and the emails, brides who express their frustration over social media websites and don't eat right and wake up at 5AM after having a panic-inducing nightmare about their to-do list. To most men, this sounds absurd. How could something like a wedding get someone so worked up?

But it does. Brides reach out to their grooms for help (or send them blog posts to inspire them), and they get nothing in return. Or a bride is afraid to reach out because, since Day 1, their groom has said Whatever you want honey, I don't care how it looks, you could do whatever you want, and I'll be happy. That's not a gift, men; it's a curse.

And for every bride who's planning a DIY wedding and loving every minute of it, there's one who just wants it all to go away. I know, by the end of our 15-month planning period, we were spent. 2Es didn't want to see another wedding as long as she lived. That was in part due to me being in New York for a good portion of it and escalating frustrations with our venues -- but it's not uncommon.

So from the dude that blogs about weddings -- let me just say that there is nothing masculine, manly or admirable about a guy who sits back and lets their bride do all the work. Helping with wedding planning is no different than opening a car door, than carrying the groceries, than cooking your soon-to-be-wife a three-course meal. It's no different than taking out the trash or putting the seat down or taking her out to dinner. It's no different from being a gentleman.

And dude -- if you're too manly to do any of the above, then maybe you should marry one of your fantasy football friends. I bet you guys could have a really nice, low-key civil union without any flowers at all.

e-Groom: another role for men who can't design but can type real good

Earlier this month, I devised a new role for grooms who aren't built to design but still want to be involved. I coined him the MC Groom.

And this morning I've decided to unveil another role for men who don't quite fit into the traditional planning process -- a position designed for grooms who can't seem to step away from the computer, for those who value email above all other forms of communication, who e-shop and e-ticket and e-finance. This one's for the men who forget that there was a time when we didn't have the internet (What?). These grooms may be playing Farmville at the altar, but that's kind of why you agreed to marry them in the first place. It's not the most inventive name in the world, but we call him:

the e-Groom

Steve's idea of groom attire is a full-on turtleneck and contacts

The concept? There's no need to peel your groom away from the computer when there's a million wedding-related errands that he can run on the computer. No more legwork, men. Check out these e-tasks:

• TheKnot.com - If your groom is computer savvy, chances are he's got a pretty good handle on Excel, Access and all those other programs that typically collect dust on your desktop. So put him in charge of that overwhelming to-do list (find helpful hints and checklists at The Knot and the new Google Weddings website), and in no time he'll have developed a 12-month plan, neatly organized in a spreadsheet that's (not surprisingly) compatible with your iPhone. 

• YourWeddingWebsite.com - Give your geeky guy full reign when it comes to the wedding website. If he's proficient in Dreamweaver or any other web design platforms, he'll be in heaven. If not, he'll gladly hunt down the best cost-free option that has the most flexibility with layout, customization, etc. Either way, give the man some direction in terms of design and you'll be online in no time.

• YourWeddingWebsite.com/blog - And as an added bonus, because he's heading up web design and upkeep, he can also be in charge of the wedding blog. (Who the hell would want one of those, especially from the GROOM's perspective?!) Trust me, it need not be revolutionary or time-consuming. Even if it's a one-paragraph entry, your families will love his witty take on yesterday's "tropical wedding theme" debate.

• Target.com - One of the frustrating things about gift registries is that the stores will most likely add, drop and tweak their products in the course of a year (those dinner plates that were teal in March are now purple in November). On top of that, with stores like Target and CB2, there's a whole other online component, and new items are constantly being added to their inventory. So ask your e-Groom to stay up-to-date on new and discontinued products (hint: he can sign up for the stores' newsletters).

• Yelp.com - Rehearsal dinner venue hunting can be exhausting -- especially when your plan of attack is something like, Let's just drive around and stop whenever we see a place we like! Make your life easy and ask your man to narrow the search on Yelp or Citysearch, where he can browse restaurants by neighborhood, feature, cost and cuisine.

• Etsy.com - Don't worry, ladies, I'm not suggesting that e-Groom will assume all Etsy-related responsibilities -- and by responsibilities, I mean you staying up until 3AM, trying to decide which antique birdcage best fits your motif. There are numerous groom-friendly Etsy shops where he can purchase homemade or vintage ties, socks, cuff links and gifts for his groomsmen (and don't forget TheManRegistry.com, renowned man sanctuary).

• Photoshop.com - Between our ceremony and reception spaces, 2Es and I must have gone through a hundred floor plans before deciding on our final two schemes. If e-Groom knows his way around Adobe (Illustrator, Photoshop, etc.), ask him to sketch out a floor plan for you. He can get the measurements from your venue contact and throw in the DJ booth, bar, cocktail tables, dinner tables and gift table as needed.

• Gmail.com - Correspondence is a huge part of wedding planning; sorting through, filing and responding to emails from vendors can be a full-time job. So if your groom excels at e-communication, ask him to be the contact person for proposals, quotes, contracts, appointments and so on. He can create a Gmail account specifically for the wedding (plungetakers@gmail.com) so that you can both be aware of what's happening. He can also take the lead on getting vendor referrals from previous clients. 

• Google.com - Based on our wedding experience, I'd say that 90% of planning is devoted to research. We need to find a caterer. We need to find ceremony texts. We need to find a song for you and your mom. Lucky for you, 100% of that 90% can be done online. So tell your e-Groom that you need welcome bags that don't look cheap but are actually really, really cheap, and see what he can come with up. And don't forget to let him have a say in the final decision; after all, he did just spend two hours Google searching "really, really cheap nice bags."

• Flickr.com - Post-wedding, you'll find that more than half of your guests have photos to share from the wedding -- and all of them managed to get you doing the worm in that blurry hour between 11PM and midnight. Ask e-Groom to perform one final, hassle-free task: compile all of your friends' and family members' photos, sort them chronologically, remove the duplicates and share them with the whole crew on Flickr or Shutterfly. Just don't complain when he makes that worm photo your Facebook profile pic. 

MC Groom: A new role for men who don't design and brides who need a hand

The most common questions I get from brides are, Madman, what can my groom help out with? What jobs am I supposed to give him? Why do I end up doing everything myself?!

First things first, ladies: you have to be willing to let go. There are those brides amongst us (and you know who you are) who gripe about juggling a hundred things at once but won't let their man come within three feet of their inspiration notebook for fear that they'll stain the pages with their soiled man fingers. (Yes brides, you know precisely who you are.) And I suppose there's nothing wrong with wanting to single-handedly execute your dream wedding ... but you may not get much sympathy while you pull your hair out one strand at a time.

Now assuming that you're willing to share some responsibilities, there are an infinite number of ways in which you can split the workload. If you're one of the lucky brides whose groom is willing to meet you halfway, I've devised a new role for grooms that allows the two of you to divvy up the tasks from the get-go. Introducing:

The Master of Ceremonies Groom

Joel Grey, MC Groom pioneer, heavy on the blush

It's simple: MC Groom is in charge of any and all things related to guest hospitality. His responsibilities include but are not limited to:

• Male on Mail. MC Groom will stuff, stamp, send out the Save the Dates and the Invites. When guests respond, he'll be responsible for managing the guest list (that means keeping track of RSVPs, updating mailing addresses, hounding guests who don't respond, etc). 
• MC Groom Inn the House. Your groom will also assume the sometimes unpleasant tasks involved in guest accommodations, like researching hotel options and being the point-person for the hotel's group sales coordinator. It might also involve alerting out-of-town guests about the block of rooms that are set aside and ensuring that all guests get the decided-upon rate.
• Music and Food. Brides, you won't like what you're about to hear, but just know that you can't possibly book all of your vendors yourself and keep your head on straight simultaneously. MC Groom will manage. He'll do all the research, share his findings, manage contracts and handle all of the correspondence with your DJ/band and your caterer, the two vendors who will please and feed your guests' ear drums and taste buds, respectively. He'll ensure that the music that's played will appeal to all of your guests and guarantee that the caterer caters to any dietary needs of your guests. Don't worry, brides, you can still help him choose who those vendors will be and help decide the menu for the evening. And an added bonus -- you're still responsible for the venue(s), the coordinators and planners, the officiant, the florist/designer, the photographer and the videographer. Win!
• The Mini-Wedding. What a blessing it is that MC Groom is accustomed to eating, because he'll be in charge of choosing the venue for the rehearsal dinner and working hand-in-hand with his parents (assuming they're hosting the event) to plan the festivities.
• Favors. I know this is a touchy territory; some brides revel in the fact that they can send their guests off with homemade chocolate chip cookie-scented candles, and we wouldn't dare take that joy away from you. But for those brides who aren't as crafty, your groom may have some ideas to run by you and may be the perfect sounding board for yours.

MC Groom Charles hand-drew these cartoons and quotes on these otherwise ordinary containers. Every drawing was unique. 
(Photograph by Joanna Wilson Photography)

• Information Hotline. MC Groom will assume the daunting task of ensuring that everyone knows exactly where everything is being held and how to get from this thing to that other thing. And in the days leading up to the wedding, he can field all of the phone calls from your long-winded guests who have inane questions. Someone needs to tell cousin Mark that, no, he shouldn't wear open-toed shoes to the reception.
• Liquor Cabinet. And yes, he will gladly take care of the booze, which makes sense since he's going to be communicating with your caterer directly. He'll select the beer and the liquor and mix some specialty cocktails for you to sample at home. He's such a gentleman... 
• The There-and-Back. If applicable, MC Groom will be responsible for researching transportation options for your guests, whether that involves a taxi, a trolley or an eight-person bicycle.  
• We Love Our Garlic Press. My 2Es can attest to the unanticipated burden of sending out thank you cards. You planned a wedding for over a year, and once it's through (while you're genuinely stoked about your new Calphalon stick-free wok), the last thing you want to do is sit down and put those feelings on paper. The fact that you're given a full year to complete the task doesn't help either, as you only end up delaying the inevitable. So let MC Groom express your gratitude. Buy some stationery you approve of and put them in his trusty hands, confident that he can mail out four or five dozen envelopes in twelve months time. 

MC Groom will also be charged with the traditional groom responsibilities -- his own attire; attire, rentals, accessories and gifts for his men; and the gifts for his parents.

MC Groom Charles took "arranging the groomsmen footwear" to the next level. Photo by Joanna Wilson Photography.

Granted, this list is by no means comprehensive. Each wedding is its own beast. You may decide to hire a guitarist for the ceremony or rent a photobooth for the evening, either of which you could add to his to-do list. Or you may want to book some reception sitters to care for the infants and toddlers when they turn loopy; MC Groom could certainly handle that task.

Grooms, if you look at this list and think, But I'm doing everything now!, I'll be more than happy to provide you with a longer and infinitely more horrifying list of all of the things that you're not doing. And brides, if you're hellbent on hunting down a chic, dilapidated old school bus to transport your guests from place to place -- I think we can let that slide.

Guest Post (for the Ladies) (and the Guys, too)

Check out today's guest post on The Man Registry's Groom's Wedding Blog, conveniently linked here:

What a Groom Won't Do

Brides -- this one's for you.

cheers,
madman

It's My First Time Here

"Hi, my name is Madman, and I'm a groom who doesn't watch football.

Actually, I should broaden and clarify that statement. When I say watch I mean follow. I don't follow football. And when I say football I mean sports. I don't follow sports.

It could be my upbringing. Sure, Dad is a Dolphins fan as much as the next dad, but it was never a staple in our household. I've only been to about ten or twelve games, ever. I did play Little League for five years but crapped out the moment I got hit with a ball. Looking back, I guess I was a rather precious little ten-year-old.

The truth is that I've never been invested in it. Following a sport -- any sport -- is a time-consuming ordeal, and as with most things, I believe it's all or nothing. If I'm going to follow tennis, I would want to be able to predict swings. I would want to know both players' max speeds and the on-court official's officiating history. I would want to be present at all the matches -- not just the big ones. And the French ones, too. We're talking about an expensive endeavor.

Yesterday I stopped at Trader Joe's to get some demi baguettes and dried apricots -- not the most manly of grocery baskets. The friendly cashier began quizzing me (casually, sure, but it felt like an interrogation) about the Super Bowl. Thankfully I'd seen some coverage last week at the gym, so I knew the competitors, but that was the extent of my knowledge. I told him I wasn't a fan of either the Saints or the Colts.

Who's your team? he asks.
The Steelers, I say, a mechanical response I've grown accustomed to.
They had an okay season, he says, which is news to me. My team doesn't have a chance of going to the Super Bowl. Not in my lifetime anyway.
What team is that? I ask, dreading the response.
Detroit.
Oh-ho, I say, feigning a pity laugh. I have no idea what he's talking about.
Right? It's hopeless.
Hopeless. Eeesh. I am so lost. Might as well pack your bags now.

I later discovered that the Detroit Lions are the only team in NFL history to lose all 16 regular-season games (2008). They've also never qualified for a Super Bowl.

These are very obvious things that I should know ... shouldn't I? I should know when the seasons start. I should know the MVPs and which team belongs to which city. I should have a vague idea who won the last World Series, for chrissake.

It's my first time here, and I decided to come today because ... well ... I'm a groom. And a groom has responsibilities. I upped the Christmas gift this past December. I give 5% of my income to a jar in our kitchen marked Honeymoon. And for god's sake it's time for me to find a sport and like it. If anyone has any suggestions or inspiration, please let me know.

Anyway, thanks."

::mild group applause::

"Hi, I'm Maureen, and I'm a bride who doesn't use Etsy..."