April 11, 2011

What Your Choice in Condom Reveals About You as a Groom

Your protection preference tells your fiancee a great deal about you and your manhood. Even your condom inventory -- whether it's the Costco-sized packs in the bedside drawer, or that singular raincoat stashed discreetly in your wallet -- reveals too much.

Well, little did you know that your Trojan selection also speaks volumes about how you'll behave as a groom. Let's break it down.

Her Pleasure, Her Wedding
Boy do women love you and the warm, tingling sensation of your latex lubricant. Why? Because you are all about her. If she wants you and your groomsmen to have your own set of hot pink bouquets to "soften" your look, you're certainly not going to be the one to tell her no. Because like that ribbed and contoured design, your only real purpose is to make her happy ... even if you never get to make yourself happy.

Sensitive to Her Needs
For the groom who's barely there, and the bride who doesn't seem to care.

...to go with that XL boutonniere.
Apparently you're 30% more involved than the average groom. Wow. Congratulations. You must be really proud.

Unless you're one of those guys whose extended involvement is just a means of compensating for your performance in other areas. Just don't let your groom responsibilities slip as a result of your headiness (or lack thereof).

No Bells, Whistles or Lubrication
One thing this groom isn't is contemporary -- and neither is his wedding. Expect a straight-forward courthouse ceremony and a small gathering at his mother's house that afternoon. And while the excitement may die down before it even begins, at least this bride knows exactly what she's getting.

My lord, this cake is dry.

An Extended Engagement
You courted this girl for close to a decade, and the two of you have been engaged for, what, three years? And now that the date is around the corner, your only input is that the party should go all night. It almost seems, groom, like you don't want this wedding to come to an end. Perhaps it stems from a very real fear that (despite the special additive "Climax Control" lube) the evening is going to end prematurely out of sheer anticipation.

Stay strong, groom. Just think of baseball.

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