As you might have noticed, 1E seems to live in a virtual world, tweeting his coffee shop musings, groom-approved findings and mild-to-harsh harassment of other men in the wedding biz. Sometimes it's the only way I can locate his whereabouts. But just after midnight Thursday night, he tweeted the following:
Out of Office Reply: I will be unavailable from Fri thru Sun as I am hosting a killer bachelor party. I'll return your email when I recover.
I have not heard from him since.
Looking back, I really should have seen it coming. He had been doing odd things all week. On Tuesday he asked me for all the small bills I had in my wallet. Wednesday morning he stripped our bed and put all the sheets and pillows by the door. And by Thursday, our living room floor was covered in the strangest things: army canteens, banana chips, a photo of Michael Bay, whiskey, bug repellent, a giant blow-up doll, 5 hunting knives, Mike Tyson's phone number and several bottles of aspirin. I wasn't really sure what to make of it all, so I figured it was in service of another crazy photo shoot for The Man Registry. Hey, he's done stranger things.
Honestly, reading that tweet left me feeling mildly relieved. At least I knew when he might return. But being the curious wifee (spelled with 2E's) that I am, I wanted to know more. After a little digging in his inbox, I found 4 unread Facebook friend requests, 2 expired Groupons, a bunch of adorable photos of sleeping cats, and this:
- - -
Dear Mr. Justin Fair,
In observance of your pending nuptials, an invitation is extended to join in a weekend of freedom and revelry, supervised by Mr. Brian Leahy (Eagle Scout; Member, Order of the Arrow) and Mr. Odin Ozdil (Turk, Town Elder), in the company of fellow groom Mr. James Darling.
Should you choose to accept said invitation, the items listed below should be packed into a single bag and left outside your bedroom door and two and one-half hours past nightfall [ 21:58 ]. You shall set your alarm for [ 7:00 ] on [ Friday, 22 April ], shower promptly, dress in comfortable and casual clothing, and be prepared to depart at [ 7:30 ].
Should you have any questions, you are permitted to ask them, unless they pertain to (a) what the weekend entails, (b) what the items below may reveal about what the weekend entails, or (c) the legality of said weekend.
CLOTHING/ACCESSORIES - to be worn
- 3 pair underwear
- 4 pair sock (long or knee-high, preferably)
- 1 pair gloves
- 1 pair thermals (upper and lower)
- 2 pair terrain-worthy jeans
- 3 pair terrain-worthy t-shirts
- 1 hoodie
- 1 pair sunglasses
- 1 emblem of your bachelorhood, with which you wish to part
- 1 sock full of nickels
- 1 guitar (optional)
- lip balm, should you require such a thing
- - -
Posted at the bottom of the email was this image:
And with Justin's adorable bow tie and beret staring back at me, I have come to realize that I don't want to know what they are up to. They have gone to great lengths to keep the weekend mysterious and testosterony, and I am not about to burst their bubble. They have prepared themselves surprisingly well for the occasion. They have hunting knives and whiskey and aspirin. They have all our nice bed linens.
And if worse comes to worse, they have Mike Tyson's phone number.
I think they'll be fine.
- - -