February 28, 2011

Monday Morning Rant

A Twitter conversation upset me a bit more than it should have last week.

Strike that -- it upset me more than I should have let it upset me. A bride who shall go nameless sent last week's e-Groom post (some responsibilities for grooms who find themselves online more than the average person) to her fiance. In short, he and his buddies joked about how "ridiculous" this blog was. This comment sums it up:

I wouldn't trust any dude that blogs about weddings.

As any fellow blogger will tell you, I didn't feel that these guys were attacking me personally. And I don't mean to single them out either. But I feel that it's all part of a much bigger, unspoken conversation.

I don't hear from grooms too often, but I hear from their brides. I hear from brides who are obliterated from all of the planning and the scheduling and the emails, brides who express their frustration over social media websites and don't eat right and wake up at 5AM after having a panic-inducing nightmare about their to-do list. To most men, this sounds absurd. How could something like a wedding get someone so worked up?

But it does. Brides reach out to their grooms for help (or send them blog posts to inspire them), and they get nothing in return. Or a bride is afraid to reach out because, since Day 1, their groom has said Whatever you want honey, I don't care how it looks, you could do whatever you want, and I'll be happy. That's not a gift, men; it's a curse.

And for every bride who's planning a DIY wedding and loving every minute of it, there's one who just wants it all to go away. I know, by the end of our 15-month planning period, we were spent. 2Es didn't want to see another wedding as long as she lived. That was in part due to me being in New York for a good portion of it and escalating frustrations with our venues -- but it's not uncommon.

So from the dude that blogs about weddings -- let me just say that there is nothing masculine, manly or admirable about a guy who sits back and lets their bride do all the work. Helping with wedding planning is no different than opening a car door, than carrying the groceries, than cooking your soon-to-be-wife a three-course meal. It's no different than taking out the trash or putting the seat down or taking her out to dinner. It's no different from being a gentleman.

And dude -- if you're too manly to do any of the above, then maybe you should marry one of your fantasy football friends. I bet you guys could have a really nice, low-key civil union without any flowers at all.


  1. There are those grooms out here who don't feel they have a lot to contribute to the material you're producing, but nevertheless are considering what you're saying and incorporating some into their own weddings. I'll bet there are a lot of us.

  2. you are awesome. your wife is a lucky lady!

  3. Thanks for that, Tim, I really appreciate it. Know that I'm not expecting grooms to be commenting on here (or even reading -- I can accept that a god 90% of my readers are women), but they should be holding up their end of the bargain at home. Kudos to you for doing so.

  4. Hey Brian,

    From one groom to another I think you're doing a great job. Some guys think the wedding planning is all for the girls and that to talk about, care about or want to be a part of your wedding isn't what a man should do.

    I'll be the second to say that I don't have enough part in the planning of my wedding (the first would be the bride to be) but I sure as hell try to support her in the planning. I may not be scouring the web for the best place to buy the right coasters to letterpress but I thank her for doing it.

    A note to any grooms to be who think being a part of your wedding celebration is just a formality and something to not care about: Be careful. If you're useless in the planning of the biggest day of your lives together... She might figure out just how much use she really has for you.

  5. The support is the most important part, Grant. And some great advice there. Thanks for the insight.

  6. Love your message! It's so true... if my four year old has already noted and expressed that, "boys should open doors for ladies" then it's safe to assume that men should help their soon-to-be in the best way they can especially when she's trying to reach out in the only way she knows how.

  7. Love the post! My groom and I are really splitting the planning for our wedding... And the to-do list is still overwhelming! But we want the day to reflect us and be a joint effort.

    When we first got engaged, I remember other guys joking with my fiance about how he could get out of planning. This made me crazy because I have a groom that would be furious if he was left out of the planning.

    As Tim said, you guys are out there! And sadly, there are some social stigmas to break down.

  8. I wouldn't trust any dude who doesn't want to be involved in planning the most important day of his life.

  9. Weddings are Stoopid

  10. As the bride-to-be with an incredibly supportive fiance supporting our wedding planning, I can't say enough about how much this experience has aided our relationship. My soon-to-be isn't into the flowers, doilies, and adorable DIY accents, but he knows this is our day together, so for that reason he genuinely cares. His support and helpful gestures have shown me that he will always take care of us and support our goals together.

    Like Chris Easter pointed out, what does it say about the guy who wants to "get out of it"?

  11. love love love love love- an approach that is SLOWLY catching on- so refreshing.