And this is why you don't take photographs on bachelor parties

This is Groom.

Groom's groomsmen and closest friends hosted a bachelor party for Groom in Vegas last weekend. While seeing the sights off the strip, Groom and his caravan encountered this sign on the side of a retail building. Groom posed. The photo was taken. And in a moment of weakness and weak-mindedness, Groom said, "Oh, you should send that to [future wife]. She'll think it's hilarious."

[Future wife] received the photo later that afternoon. She did think it was hilarious. "That's hilarious," she said to herself.

Then she opened her web browser. She accessed Googlemaps. She typed in, grooming near Las Vegas, NV.

No, this was not a proud moment for [future wife], but it wasn't by choice. Something greater was dictating her actions.

She went through each search result, from Snooty Pets to Groomingdales to Pawsh Wash Pet Grooming on Warm Springs Rd. When the Googlemaps street view failed her, she resorted to calling each place of business and inquiring about the bright purple sign on the side of their building. When they denied having said signage, she hung up.

She finally tracked Groom down at an unlisted boarding house off Tropicana Avenue. She tracked down all of the gentleman's clubs within walking distance. She called each one, introducing herself as a nearby strip club owner (she employed the pseudonym Phoenix, claiming to be the "big cheese over at Lady Parts"), alerting them that a pervert in pink was "busting into" clubs in the area and getting really "touchy-touchy."

Groom was arrested 45 minutes later by the Clark County Sheriff's Department. He was trying on sunglasses at a nearby convenience store at the time of his arrest. His hearing is scheduled for Friday of next week.

This is why you don't take photographs on bachelor parties.

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Of the above information, only the sunglasses portion may be true.

Giveaway Reminder + a word from Best Man Justin in France

Reminder, brides and grooms:

Our The Art of Shaving contest is open until NOON! The winner will be announced around 1PM this afternoon. Just leave a comment describing your (or your groom's, or your hubby's) most hilarious/horrendous shaving experience. Five readers will receive a complimentary Royal Shave -- a $55 value -- at The Art of Shaving!

(See the complete collection of photos on the Joanna Wilson Photography blog.)

If inspiration is what you're lacking, you're in luck! Former Best Man Justin has agreed to share a calamitous shaving tale of his own. You've been warned:

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Those of us who claim to have "grown-up" on film sets learned to pick up the secret film terminology along the way. One of the earliest terms I remember learning is continuity, and I have the scars to prove it.

Contrary to my own quasi-logical dissection of the word (CON-tinuous NUITY-newness), the term actually refers to "continuous unity" -- the continual matching of location, script, wardrobe, weight, and facial hair. Sometimes a film will span the day-in-the-life of a character (a la Training Day, Collateral, Die Hard) but is typically shot over several days, weeks or months.

Another thing about movies that pertains to shaving is where you film them. Film shoots can sometimes take place in the most remote locations with extremely limited resources. I was on one such West Coast shoot when I was nineteen. My peach fuzz was growing quickly enough that I had to shave every day but slowly enough that I was in total agony. All I had was my rusted, jagged, 7-Eleven brand "razor" (issued to every nineteen year-old boy in the suburbs along with a Playboy and a copy of Frampton Comes Alive). And all they had was cold water. Ice cold water.

So what is one to do in the absence of a scented, alcohol-free, three-fold hot towel treatment?

You can't begin the film looking like Leo and end up looking like Jonah

I'll save you the bloody details, but by the third day I resembled James Franco's arm in 127 Hours. The make-up woman hated me. I certainly could have used Steve and his mustache socks back then ... and now that I'm older and more experienced with The Art of Shaving (thanks to you, Groom), I finally have the chops to appreciate such royal treatment.

Bring on the chocolate mask.

Your pal,
Justin

Five Steps to Better Grooming

1. Make Grooming as Enjoyable as Possible—For the Both of You!

Grooming sessions should be fun, so be sure to schedule them when your groom is relaxed, especially if he’s the excitable type. Perhaps put on some music -- something light and fun. At the beginning, be sure to keep the sessions short (5 to 10 minutes), and then gradually lengthen the time until it becomes routine. This way your groom can get comfortable with being handled.

2. Brushing

Regular grooming with a brush or comb will help remove dirt and keep his skin clean and irritant-free. Grooming time’s also a great time to check for fleas and flea dirt. If your groom has a smooth, short coat (like that of a Justin Timberlake), you only need to brush once a week. If he has a long, luxurious coat (such as that of a Johnny Depp), he’ll need daily attention.

3. Bathing

The ASPCA recommends bathing your groom every 3 months or so; your groom may require more frequent baths in the summertime if he spends lots of time outdoors. Always use a mild, tear-free shampoo and follow these easy steps: (a) use a rubber bath mat; (b) use a spray hose to thoroughly wet your groom; (c) gently massage in shampoo; (d) and finally, dry him with a blow dryer but carefully monitor the level of heat. You may also want to close off all escape routes to avoid chasing a wet groom around the couch.

Please note: Some grooms seem to think that bathtime is a perfect time to act goofy. Younger grooms especially will wiggle and bounce all over the place while you try to brush them, and tend to nip at bathtime. If this sounds like your groom, put a toy that floats in the tub so he has something to focus on.

4. Nail Clipping

Most people really don’t handle their groom’s feet until they are about to clip the nails and then … watch out! Some grooms can get very upset at this totally foreign feeling. Gently press each individual toe—and be sure to give him lots of praise and
some treats (see right) as you do this.

5. Special Breeds, Special Needs

Grooms with loose facial skin or wrinkles—such as Robert Redfords—will need special attention. To prevent irritation and infection, clean the folds with damp cotton.

If your groom has long or droopy ears, check them weekly. You may need to remove any excess hair leading into the ear canal. There are special hair removers that allow you to carefully pull one strand at a time.

And finally...

...here’s one of our most important tips of all—pile on the praise and offer your groom a treat when the session is finished! A clean groom is a happy groom. And a happy groom makes for a better pet.