Real Groom Issues: Proposal Pressure

Last Monday, my new friend Alison at The Knotty Bride brought up a "real bride issue": brides' satisfaction (or, in this case, dissatisfaction) with their groom's proposal. It's clear Alison's hit on a sensitive issue, one that 30+ women have weighed in on in the past week.

From Alison:

Were you absolutely thrilled with the way your marriage proposal went down? Were you in any way disappointed, but possibly feeling guilty about feeling that way? On the flip side, do you feel that there’s undue pressure on men to perform up to the standards set by videos you see showing incredible proposals caught on film?

The first two questions are important, no doubt about it, but as a groom blogger, I'm of course primarily concerned with the last. Are grooms under unfair pressure to deliver a kick-ass proposal? Do men need to plan and execute a proposal "story" worthy of years of bragging and boasting? I decided to throw my own two cents in -- plus give voice to some men who've been through the process. Enter Earl, Tim, Josh and Hunter.

EARL: We put so much pressure on ourselves, don't we? The proposal, the wedding, the wedding night, honeymoon, gift registry, seating charts and so on. Why is it that the Marriage itself seems so unimportant during all this activity?

Why do proposals matter to begin with? Well, popping the question kickstarts the wedding process, so that's part of it; and for some (women), it's a measure of how much your partner loves you. The trouble is -- can men actually buy into that philosophy? Does the size of our love correlate with the size of a ring, or the size of the proposal?

HUNTER: The proposal should be something that is a personal moment between you and your wife. It's not about impressing her; it's about making her feel like the most special person in the world. It's time to look inward and get creative.

Hunter's right. Or Hunter should be right. "Personal," "special," and "creative" seem like the right elements for a memorable event. "Impressing" should be an added bonus, right? After all, we can't determine what will or will not impress. We can't read minds, sadly.

TIM: [The proposal didn't need to be] hugely elaborate, but I felt like it should be something more than just a, "Hey, by the by, you want to, you know, get hitched?" I felt like it had to be a little more impressive than that.

JOSH: One kick ass proposal earns you a lifetime of points ... or at least a year and a half's worth. 

Our expectations (for women) and assumptions about those expectations (for men) are shaped by so many things, it's altogether impossible to create a rubric by which to judge proposals and thereby qualify them as good or bad, fulfilling or disappointing, impressive or ... less than so.

EARL: Just the fact that we deal with weddings almost every day puts added pressure on us both. We hear about proposals at every appointment. Brides love to tell their stories, and we love to hear them ... but it adds to the performance anxiety.

At a certain point, we men have to ask if women even know what goes into the planning of a proposal: the secrecy, the family approval, the cost, the ring, the timing, the logistics, the contingency plan, the (optional) recording of the event, and so on and so forth.

HUNTER: How long I spent planning the proposal is a joke in my family because I decided the day I was going to propose about 10 months before I did it. I wanted to do it on the 5 year anniversary of our first date in the fall ... but I decided that in January. Of course that had to be the year all my friends proposed, so Dana got to watch everyone else get engaged and wonder what the heck was wrong with her man.

It's not uncommon for women to pick a special date or occasion and assume that it's going to happen on that date -- telling their friends, I just have a feeling he's going to do it! (For our Legally Blonde fans, we'll call this the "Elle Woods syndrome.") This doesn't directly add to our stress, but it will inevitably fuck with our minds if things don't go according to the events as they play out in your head.

TIM: I also wanted to propose on New Year's Day.  That felt like a good day for popping the question.

Then there's added pressure from proposals popularized by YouTube, The Today Show and all forms of social media. If Ann Curry tells us it's romantic, we figure we owe our girlfriends/wives at least that much.

Throw in the nerves bit, and we've got all odds against us. The anxiety alone is enough to drive any sane person into a state of paralyzing terror. For several (or, in Hunter's case, 10) months, we've had this secret on our hands -- and this pricey piece of jewelry in our pocket -- and then we have to explain, in a matter of seconds, why we want to spend the rest of your life with you. That last part isn't hard, by the way, but it's comparable to writing vows. Times ten. You want those words to be stellar. You want them to be "personal," "special," and "creative" ... and perhaps "perfect."

EARL: All your partner really wants is the romance. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. Unfortunately, romance is defined differently by every partner. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to find out what romance means to your partner. Easy peasy.

Peasy for some, not so peasy for others. Ladies know this: some men get romance, and others just don't. Some men know how to relocate a Starbucks interior to a wooded area to resemble a first date, and some can stage and choreograph a song and dance in the middle of a park in New York; other men, as one bride commented on Alison's post, will pop the question in the frozen meats department at Costco.

EARL: This was the second "trip" for Leslie and I both. Thank God her Ex didn't rent a hot air balloon in Paris and propose under the lights of the Eiffel Tower while Train performed "Marry Me" in the balloon with them. I went for the romantic spontaneous approach, I woke her up at midnight on our anniversary and proposed while she rubbed sleep out of her eyes.

Earl hits the nail on the head. Romance is defined by your relationship. And for those women who complain about a disappointing, disastrous, romance-free proposal ... did you expect more from your partner? Or did you simply want more from your partner? Did you want something you knew he couldn't deliver?

JOSH: I definitely [felt the pressure] ... but it was more pressure I put on myself. Honestly, pulling off a kick-ass proposal was as much for me as it was for Alyssa. You get one chance to do it, and now we both have this story for the rest of our lives.

HUNTER: She was of the mindset that, if I like it, then I should put a ring on it. Anything more was gravy. But once you make a turkey the gravy is easy and it makes it so much better ... OK, that may have been the worst romance analogy ever.

Of the four men represented here, one staged an elaborate get-together and dinner with both families; a second took his bride to Mexico for a surprise beach trip; another changed his plans last minute and popped the question on a bitter cold morning in Astoria, Queens; and the last shook his wife awake in the middle of the night. Each proposal is romantic in its own personal, special and creative way. Ask any of them (because I neglected to), and I imagine they'll say that none of their proposals were perfect by any means. But all had some idea what their partner expected and what "big gesture" they were capable of. And none of them pointedly blame their wives or women or wedding bloggers or even society at large for the undue pressure they may have been under.

So ladies -- from a man who's been there -- some advice:

(A) You know your man, so be realistic about your expectations. If his idea of a date is running errands and then going halfsies on a deli sub, then know that you may not get that hot air balloon ride over Paris.

(B) Tell your guy if you have certain expectations, like I would like my parents to be there when "it" happens, or I don't want it to be a big spectacle event.

(C) But don't make specific requests, not about time or place or execution. And don't hound -- it's not motivating.

(D) Heart > Theatrics

(E) And hey, if you have a specific vision about how things ought to play out, maybe you should forgo the traditional proposal and do what Gill and Justin did and propose to each other at separate times. It worked for them. Just requires a conversation beforehand to iron out the details.

If the proposal is in fact our way of showing you how much we love you and want to marry you, then let it be that: our way, inspired by you. Therein lies the romance.

- - -

THANKS to Earl, Hunter, Josh and Tim for their input

THANKS to Alison for the inspiration

- - -

to read more about the drama behind proposal planning,

read through my own proposal story:

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

Proposal Vid Contest

There are just over two weeks left to enter Robbins Brothers' Share the Love video contest ... which rewards grooms who put a ring on it and have the video to prove it.

"For consideration, all contestants can submit their proposal video to Share The Love thru August 31. An internal panel of judges will select the top five videos which highlight an overall emotional connection to the video content, creativity with planning and executing the proposal and the recipient’s reaction."

So dig up your proposal video, gents. Or -- in the instance that you didn't film the big moment -- contact a local film director and promise him half of the grand that you'll undoubtedly win when he films your marriage proposal slash impromptu alligator wrestling on the banks of the "Amazon" River. Cut, edit and send before August 31st!

Visit Robbin Brothers' website for more details.

cheers,
brian

"MOBBED": Why Justin's proposal irked but ultimately worked

Mobbed is a new series on FOX that premiered after last week's Idol. Howie Mandel hosts the program, which exploits celebrates the more-popular-than-ever flash mob phenomenon and uses it to deliver private messages -- messages like Will you marry me?

No surprise that Howie's first episode centered around a groom; large-scale proposals (esp. those involving singing and dancing) never fail to rake in huge viewer numbers on YouTube. And I could sit here and bash the newest addition to our reality-based scheduled programming, but it would be far too easy. Instead, I'm going to take the road less traveled; I'm going to find the good in the intolerable.

[FYI - major spoilers here, so if you're genuinely concerned about that sort of thing, I would suggest watching the episode first.]

My primary issue with the planning of the flash mob proposal and subsequent wedding (yes, the couple got married moments after he popped the question at the Americana at Brand in Glendale) was that the creators/planners/organizers didn't take the personalities of the couple into consideration. Howie's plan involved an elaborate hoax, some occasional singing and acrobatics, and a crowd of hundreds breaking into spontaneous dance sets. But does that over-the-top proposal fit every couple?

Think back to that popular Madison Square Park proposal (like I said: two million plus viewers). Woodrow, the groom who orchestrated that impressive number, is clearly a performer by nature. I watch that video, and without hesitation, I believe that that proposal was precisely what he wanted and that he coordinated the performance, the t-shirts, the signs, the whole bit. It's an extension of his personality and, hopefully, of their relationship.



Justin, the groom on Mobbed, is no Woodrow. He's uncomfortable with his body, generally low-key, and in no way a song-and-dance man (though he does he mean "dice throw"). Howie dreams up this elaborate event that occurs over the course of an hour, involves over a thousand people and spans an entire outdoor mall ... but Justin seems uncomfortable. In his audition tape, he confessed that things had been rocky in their relationship, and he wanted to show that he was 100% committed to Nikki. In this groom's humble opinion, the best way to do that is to plan and deliver a heartfelt proposal that reflects you as a couple. This proposal, despite the bells and whistles, was entirely Howie's creation. Unless the editor was given specific direction to cut Justin out of the planning process as much as possible -- it's clear that the groom played a less than pivotal role in shaping this event. He may have popped the question, but the environment in which it happened (the Disney Main Street pandemonium, the Broadway-style performances, the three-ring circus) was the work of another man.

So why doesn't this critique matter? Well, (a) I'm not their demographic, at least not in this episode. I like a good flash mob as much as the next guy, but I suppose I'm more drawn to the darker, more subversive side of that world -- more like the happenings orchestrated by the creative minds at Improv Everywhere.

Moreover, (b) the bride loved it. She was in tears for more consecutive minutes than any person in the history of televised proposals.

When I turned to my 2Es, sitting on the sofa beside me, I knew that the proposal (flaws and all) was successful. She was a mess. Typically unimpressed by pageantry, she was swept up in the emotion of the moment and sincerely touched by Nikki's reaction. And after reading fellow bloggers' responses this weekend, I see that she wasn't the only one who found the proposal touching and somewhat magical, though many were less than pleased with Howie's idea to turn the flash mob proposal into a flash mob wedding.

So ignore all that stuff I said at the beginning and watch the episode because 2Es (and millions of women across the U.S.) found the sentiment in the spectacle. And just don't think about the couple's drive home that evening, when a glowing, newly-married Nikki asks Justin, How the hell did you plan all of that?, and he has to give all the credit to that guy from Bobby's World.

What Grooms Can Learn From Michael Scott

[Warning: contains spoilers!]

We've learned a great deal from the employees at Dunder Mifflin (a division of Sabre) paper company over the years. Oscar has taught us about tolerance; Jim's taught us that the nice guy can in fact finish first; and Dwight has given us a swarm of Darwinian survival skills that none of us will ever need in the course of our natural lives.

And now, moments before his grand departure, Michael has taught us something about being a compassionate man and a worthy groom ... a huge step up from lessons in mismanagement, misuse of funds, and inappropriate conduct in office all environments.

This past Thursday, Michael proposed to his not-too-long-time girlfriend Holly, a bold move that still didn’t come off as a surprise considering his impulsive tendencies. What began as a disaster waiting to happen (dousing a parking lot with gasoline) soon became one of the most uniquely simplistic wedding proposals of all time. 

And so -- for grooms out there who are seeking inspiration -- we’ve put together this list of 6 WAYS TO ASK HER TO MARRY YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK EASY LIKE MICHAEL SCOTT.

1. Heed a woman’s advice. If your bride’s best friend Sarah, or your Aunt Honey, or your co-worker Pam pulls you aside and warns you that the “event of the century” that you're cooking up is not really up her alley, take it to heart. There’s no harm intended. Women just happen to know what other women like ... and while your 2Es may find your WWE fascination tolerable, it doesn’t mean she wants Vince McMahon to pop the question on your behalf.

2. Play it cool with ambiguity. “Let’s go for a walk,” Michael insists. “I want to show you some stuff.” Walk where? What stuff? The lingering curiosity will only help build her excitement before the big moment.

3. Involving friends isn’t lame, as long as those friends are clued into what’s happening and play a vital role in the occasion. The entire Dunder Mifflin workforce lined both sides of the break room, and several of them (in turn) asked Holly to marry them. The accomplishment? Their “family” is an integral part of the event, and Michael expresses – quite eloquently, too – that he is the only person for Holly, and she the only one for him.

4. Candles go a long way. Don't forget to light them.

5. Go with the flow, and it that means that you need to get wet, then get wet for chrissake. Use humor, and don’t be afraid to acknowledge the silliness of it all. Proposals can be awkward and clumsy and nerve-wracking. Some things may not go as planned; others may go horribly wrong, and that’s OK. None of us live in a bubble. What’s important is that you embrace that awkwardness, that clumsiness, that horror—and give in to life’s little surprises. You’ll be a bigger man because of it.

6. Overall, just keep it simple. It doesn't have to be hard, and it doesn't even need to last that long. (That's what she said.)