December 29, 2009

The Go-Guy

2E's father shared the following video clip after reading our Christmas post about the Go-Girl FUD (or female urination device), in which I proclaimed that men would never need such a device. We make due. We are insensitive, resilient, apathetic and, most importantly, soiled. We've never cared about hygiene; why start now?

Well, David Sedaris proves me wrong in a taped reading on Letterman, in which David himself reads an excerpt from a collection of essays intended for Esquire. In this particular (hilarious) clip, he discusses the so-called Stadium Pal and his experience when testing the device. I may be the last to learn of the Stadium Pal, and if so -- well, it wouldn't be the first time.

As with all of Sedaris' writings, the Stadium Pal is a legitimate product. With a website. And according to the site, it's "The Original Since 1998." Thank god for that. I was confusing it for the other bag that guys piss into.

The most important of the three basic components of the device is the external catheter. Let's read about it, shall we?

"The Male External Catheter ... is worn just like a condom. It is latex free, and made of silicone so there is no chance of a latex infection. It is lined with adhesive much like a band aid. When worn properly the male external will not leak or come off. Since every man is different the male externals come in 5 different sizes. And yes in this particular case size is important, but all one needs to do is to print out the SIZING GUIDE, cut out the half moons, and there is no guessing. This is a girth measurement, and has nothing to do with length."

In other words, Have no fear, men! And don't get bogged down by the sizing guide. We won't judge you, your length OR your girth. This has nothing to do with that. Nothing. No matter what size you are, you'll be pissing at will in no time.

While the Stadium Pal's #1 clients are (I imagine) those beer guzzling sports fans who are unwilling to miss that exhilirating second quarter slump and take a #1 standing, I imagine such a product would be useful to a groom. What husband-to-be has time to urinate? Between pre-gaming, dressing, getting married, photo-taking, dancing, eating, dancing, cake-cutting, dancing and socializing, there isn't much time for peeing.

I can see it now: the snug, condom-like catheter, the 18 inches of tubing snaking down my leg to the 1000ml urine collection bag, inconspicuous beneath my pants, velcro-ed comfortably at the shin.

Better yet - I see the whole wedding party sporting urination devices. The ladies with their Go-Girls; we men with our Go-Guys. Chances are, at the very least, it'll make a hell of a photo opportunity.

"Ladies, let's see those funnels. Men, lift those pant legs. Now say cheese."

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