Save.Our.Groom

We've all seen variations on the bride's survival kit -- what The Knot calls the Bridessentials. Theirs is a silver pouch with travel-sized accessories that a bride might need before or during her wedding. You have the basics (brush, mirror, pins, tissues, clear nail polish), fix-it essentials (double-sided tape, static remover, adhesive bandages, super glue), and even some extra wedding bands.

I was pleased too to find The Knot's Survival Kit for the Groom, available for purchase on their website, complete with:

• personal care items (toothbrush, toothpaste, mints, deodorant)
• groom's attire essentials (lint remover, mending kit, stain/wrinkle removers)
• black socks (these I could use)
• pain relievers
• a stress ball

And while I'm sure the kit is a big hit, I feel that -- as a groom -- I should take a moment to weigh in on the contents of the kit and the range of hurdles that the modern groom might run into. Here are a few additions/suggestions:

1. Hangover kit - a banana, an Aspirin and a travel-sized Gatorade ... cause god knows someone was drinking last night (or this morning) and it wasn't the bride

2. Copies of the vows - printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the best moments highlighted for emphasis ... pauses for applause written in as needed

3. Deodorant - I know there's one stick on the list ... perhaps we should add two more for good measure

4. Stun gun - no particular reason

5. Boar's Head something on a sandwich

6. Horse tranquilizer - again, no particular reason ... but I can think of at least twelve instances when this would be useful ... no, wait ... "groomsman gets out of line" makes thirteen

7. The day's itinerary - again, printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the words GET MARRIED TODAY capitalized and highlighted for emphasis

8. An antique pocket watch - the perfect attire upgrade

9. An official, Groom Says original Groom Points Scorecard - he's getting married ... he gets 100 points just for showing up

10. A $50 bill - cause, chances are, he'll pocket the $50, lose the kit somewhere between the rehearsal dinner and the next morning, and need to purchase another one ... this is what we do ... this is who we are ... this is why you love us

Love,
Madman