Honey, Where's My Harness, or "the Man-gerie Post"

I've been pestering The Knot for some time about adding an Ask the Groom column to their website, a "safe place" where brides and brides-to-be can pose questions, and I would answer them the only way I know how: by substituting helpful responses for caddy remarks.

So I stole a great question from The Knot's community message board and delivered an inappropriate groom response. Here goes:

I bought some sexy lingerie for our honeymoon, and asked my husband ... to get something a little more fun than his Hanes. After looking at *every* store in the mall (or so he claims) he couldn't find anything silky, animal print, or in any way more interesting than his everyday underoos.

I'm not looking for anything kinky - and we're both definitely ok with something we're more likely to laugh about than to take as seriously sexy. But we need some suggestions about where to shop!

P.S. He wears boxers or boxer-briefs. No banana hammocks! :)

     - from mimi4347 in St. Louis


Dear Mimi,

Nothing "kinky?" No banana hammocks? Well that sucks the fun right out of jockwear!

Okay, slings and thongs aside, your hubby does still have a few options available to him. Where you went wrong, Mimi, was sending him to out into the wilderness (i.e. the mall) alone, unprotected, with no real sense of direction. Of course he didn't go to every store in the mall. He probably slipped into Victoria's Secret, thinking that was his best choice. Perhaps he saw a product he thought might work but was disheartened when a nearby employee asked, "Would that be a gift for your wife?" He got the f*** out of there and spent the next three hours in the massage chairs at Brookstone.

For the guy who's real shy about buying undies (and that's the majority of us), online might be the best first-time option. Lingerie Diva has a whole section devoted to men's personals. Mimi, I'm sure you'll love the Poly/Spandex Fitted Boxer in leopard print, the HOT Men's Leather Shorts (they capitalized HOT, not me), and the Mens Double the Pleasure Fishnet Short, now on sale for $15.40.

The Knot probably wouldn't be able to publish this photo, but I sure as hell can. That's right, there's holes in the front and the back.

Mimi, this may be SLIGHTLY too kinky for you ... but at least it's not the 4-Piece Leather Harness.

In all seriousness, the site does have some "Enhancing Briefs" and "Mini Shorts" and "Microfiber" something-or-others that your hubby won't mind and will bring some added sexiness into the hotel room. And if you want to spice things up on the last night of the trip, you can't go wrong with these "Strip Search"  5- and 3-piece sets:

Officer and Prisoner, $19.89 and $23.89 respectively. Comes with "Sgt. Dick Amazing" name badge.

The better option, in my opinion, is to send him to a specific store (for Los Angelenos I suggest Hustler Hollywood) with detailed instructions, i.e. I want you to get one thing you think is hilarious, and one thing you think is potentially very sexy. If he's nervous about it, tell him to go as soon as the store opens. No one is shopping for vibrators at 9AM.

Actually, that's probably inaccurate. 

Hilarious option vs. Sexy option. Or vice versa. I don't judge.

Finally, ladies, if you're really adventurous (and really trusting), maybe a boutique like Sugar Lilie is the place for you. Sugar Lilie (which is LA-based) hosts a quarterly event called Men-Clave, which invites men (and men alone) to spend an evening learning about becoming comfortable with lingerie. And yes, some of their top products are modeled for the boys while they sit back and sip beer. For guys, as my wife puts it, it's a win-win situation. 

(It's like a strip club ... minus the nudity ... in a lingerie store. It's educational.)

What I suggest, Mimi and Husband, is that you not rule out "kinky" from the get-go. Be adventurous. Drift into your discomfort zone. If the first night of the trip is reserved for more conservative evening-wear, then perhaps the leather harness will make an appearance on Margarita Night. After all, putting your husband in a collar is kind of like a metaphor for marriage. 

(Wedding) Crashing "The Knot Live"

That's right, I'll be Skyping in for tomorrow's edition of The Knot Live. Carley Roney and I will be chatting about the details of "the wedding that was" and talking about groom responsibilities in the planning process. Then I'll probably be raiding the dessert bar for the rest of the evening.

So show some groom love and tune in at 1pm EST (10am PST). You can follow @TheKnot on Twitter for details.

Weddings on Wheels: an Interview with Komodo

A couple weeks ago I tackled one of TheKnot.com's predicted wedding trends for 2011: Man Caves. This week, I'm capitalizing on #8 on that list: Food Truck Weddings.
 

Waffles, tacos and dumplings -- oh yes! If you have a hunger for 

gourmet food trucks, embrace it wholeheartedly by requesting 

makeshift sidewalk carts during the cocktail hour or food 

trucks for the wedding after-party.
-TheKnot.com

The Groom Says actually called this trend in July of last year when we did our profile of LA's most mobile sensation, the Komodo food truck. Komodo's been named the hottest food truck in Los Angeles by nearly everybody, and rightfully so. Their gourmet fusion street food pleases both low- and high-brow clientele, giving food truck fans a range of burritos and tacos and a basket of Truffles Fries that make all those little voices disappear.

photo by MK3 Photography

And on top of it all, Komodo does weddings (as well as private parties, fine dine catering and craft services), offering a full wedding menu including appetizers, three-course dinners and "after-hour munchies." Their selection of entrees, hors d'oeuvres, soups, salads, sandwiches, sides, pastas and platters is as diverse as it is delicious.

I had an opportunity to sit down with Eric Tjahyadi, Director of Marketing and Events for Komodo, pick his brain about the Food Truck Wedding trend and bribe him for a free burrito.

---

ERIC -- SO YOU AND YOUR BROTHER ERWIN (EXECUTIVE CHEF) ARE TWO OF THE CO-FOUNDERS OF KOMODO. EVER THINK YOU'D BE AN L.A. SENSATION?
Never in our wildest dreams. Erwin has always been super talented, and he knows his palette, so I knew people were going to love the food. However, we never thought it would be such a hit. We actually entered the food truck industry fairly early in the game when there weren't as many trucks out there -- with the intention of eventually opening up a restaurant -- so this was a delightful surprise.

AND NOW WE'RE WATCHING TRUCKS COMPETE ON TV.
I think food truckers are creative, resourceful and passionate hustlers, so if you mix them together, there's bound to be exciting moments. We definitely enjoyed watching The Great Food Truck Race. We were originally scheduled to be on it, but due to scheduling conflicts we had to withdraw our involvement. Looking back ... we would have had so much fun competing.

WHEN DID YOU GUYS BEGIN TO CATER AT WEDDINGS?
One of our first big events was a wedding actually. It was at a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills with tons of stars and celebrities. It definitely catapulted our popularity within the Hollywood community.

MOVIE STARS ARE WHORES FOR BURRITOS. HOW MANY WEDDINGS ARE YOU DOING THESE DAYS?
Weddings are seasonal events. We've been noticing that we do more from late spring to early winter. During our busiest season, we do 1-2 weddings per week. Not all of our weddings are the same, either. We've been to some interesting and non-traditional events in the past, so it's been a learning experience. One wedding we did was in a beautiful home overlooking the Malibu beach. There were a ton of Indonesians in the wedding party, so it was fun serving Indonesian-inspired cuisine to real Indonesians. 

photo by Bantigue Photos

YOU MUST HAVE PEOPLE MAKING TWO, THREE - EVEN FIVE TRIPS OUT TO THE TRUCK DURING THE RECEPTION.
Sometimes we use the venue kitchen to cook, depending on the facility and the wedding party's preference.

WHAT BOOZE GOES BEST WITH KOMODO FOOD?
Great pale ale beers and chilled white wine.

SPEAKING OF THE MENU ... ANY FAVORITE ITEMS? ANY MUST-HAVES?
Grilled Thai-spiced duck with cucumber salad. And Peruvian ceviche. 

THE PERFECT KOMODO GROOM CAKE?
White vanilla frosting with dark chocolate sponge cake and layers of wild berries. 

OKAY, SITUATION TIME: A GROOM RUNS UP TO THE TRUCK MINUTES BEFORE THE WEDDING, PANICKED, LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE. CLEARLY HE NEEDS A PEP TALK. ANY WORDS OF WISDOM? OR DO YOU GIVE HIM A DOGGIE BAG AND SEND HIM RUNNING INTO THE WOODS?
We would tell him to man up and personally escort him to the altar. Life is full of twists and turns -- you can't be afraid to take risks. That's been our philosophy since we started our business, and we never regretted it.


---
You can check out Komodo online at komodofood.com and follow them on twitter (@komodofood) to find out when the truck will be in the neighborhood. For booking and catering inquiries, call (310) 498-7606.

Amenable to Anything

Dear The Knot,

WTF.

Your fiance comes from the same mold as most other fiances on this planet: He sort of knows what he wants in a wedding and truly tries to get involved now and then -- but he's often too lazy or distracted to follow through with plans. ... Here's the trick with this kind of groom: Even though he wants to be involved, he can't really hack a 50-50 contribution ... you don't want to force him to make too many decisions on his own, which could result in him resenting you and shutting down completely. So hit the wedding circuit together ... Then sit down with him and go over the things he loved and absolutely hated, so you'll both get a clear idea of what it is he's hoping for in a wedding. You'll need to do the work, but he'll appreciate that you're actually interested in his opinion.

WTF Knot.

These are the results 2E's and I got -- on separate occasions -- when we answered a few questions as part of the What Kind of Groom Is He quiz.

"Your groom is amenable to anything." Really? That's what I get? Not, like, "Your groom is in the 99% percentile so chill," or "Your groom is likely to chronicle your wedding adventures in a satiric blog." Amenable to anything? "Resenting you and shutting down completely?" Seriously?

Perhaps I was too honest on the first go-round. Perhaps I didn't give myself enough credit. So I went back and reviewed the questions again -- this time bubbling in those answers that a Super Groom might select. 

And I got the same friggin' response.

So what's up Knot? I'm not one for conspiracy theory, but it seems like nothing is good enough. It seems like you're embedding in your web browsing brides a sense of empowerment and groom mothering. It seems as if you're saying, across the board, "If you wanna do something right, ladies, you gotta do it yourself."

Well this groom is not amenable to partial quizzes. How 'bout them apples.

Here's the trick with this kind of groom: there is no trick. If your groom asked you to marry you as you two were idling in your car between the cash and pick-up drive-thru windows, then you can probably expect laziness and distraction. If not -- if you're settling down with someone who's got half a brain and an ounce of chivalry, then a 50-50 contribution is totally reasonable. Hell - it's mandatory. So don't expect any less, and hopefully he'll meet you at LEAST 40-60. And maybe you can let that slide on account of the kick-ass proposal he put together.

Her Version of the Story

I'm saving my version of the story for September 2nd -- a month before the wedding -- when we begin the all-too-real countdown to the big day.

But for now, I'd like to introduce you to her side of the story, which is currently featured on the Community page on TheKnot.com, and which Annie Jones from The Knot calls "Top 5!"

Our Proposal Story

cheers,
madman

Save.Our.Groom

We've all seen variations on the bride's survival kit -- what The Knot calls the Bridessentials. Theirs is a silver pouch with travel-sized accessories that a bride might need before or during her wedding. You have the basics (brush, mirror, pins, tissues, clear nail polish), fix-it essentials (double-sided tape, static remover, adhesive bandages, super glue), and even some extra wedding bands.

I was pleased too to find The Knot's Survival Kit for the Groom, available for purchase on their website, complete with:

• personal care items (toothbrush, toothpaste, mints, deodorant)
• groom's attire essentials (lint remover, mending kit, stain/wrinkle removers)
• black socks (these I could use)
• pain relievers
• a stress ball

And while I'm sure the kit is a big hit, I feel that -- as a groom -- I should take a moment to weigh in on the contents of the kit and the range of hurdles that the modern groom might run into. Here are a few additions/suggestions:

1. Hangover kit - a banana, an Aspirin and a travel-sized Gatorade ... cause god knows someone was drinking last night (or this morning) and it wasn't the bride

2. Copies of the vows - printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the best moments highlighted for emphasis ... pauses for applause written in as needed

3. Deodorant - I know there's one stick on the list ... perhaps we should add two more for good measure

4. Stun gun - no particular reason

5. Boar's Head something on a sandwich

6. Horse tranquilizer - again, no particular reason ... but I can think of at least twelve instances when this would be useful ... no, wait ... "groomsman gets out of line" makes thirteen

7. The day's itinerary - again, printed on 3x5 index cards, in a large font ... the words GET MARRIED TODAY capitalized and highlighted for emphasis

8. An antique pocket watch - the perfect attire upgrade

9. An official, Groom Says original Groom Points Scorecard - he's getting married ... he gets 100 points just for showing up

10. A $50 bill - cause, chances are, he'll pocket the $50, lose the kit somewhere between the rehearsal dinner and the next morning, and need to purchase another one ... this is what we do ... this is who we are ... this is why you love us

Love,
Madman