July 6, 2011

Honey, Where's My Harness, or "the Man-gerie Post"

I've been pestering The Knot for some time about adding an Ask the Groom column to their website, a "safe place" where brides and brides-to-be can pose questions, and I would answer them the only way I know how: by substituting helpful responses for caddy remarks.

So I stole a great question from The Knot's community message board and delivered an inappropriate groom response. Here goes:

I bought some sexy lingerie for our honeymoon, and asked my husband ... to get something a little more fun than his Hanes. After looking at *every* store in the mall (or so he claims) he couldn't find anything silky, animal print, or in any way more interesting than his everyday underoos.

I'm not looking for anything kinky - and we're both definitely ok with something we're more likely to laugh about than to take as seriously sexy. But we need some suggestions about where to shop!

P.S. He wears boxers or boxer-briefs. No banana hammocks! :)

     - from mimi4347 in St. Louis

Dear Mimi,

Nothing "kinky?" No banana hammocks? Well that sucks the fun right out of jockwear!

Okay, slings and thongs aside, your hubby does still have a few options available to him. Where you went wrong, Mimi, was sending him to out into the wilderness (i.e. the mall) alone, unprotected, with no real sense of direction. Of course he didn't go to every store in the mall. He probably slipped into Victoria's Secret, thinking that was his best choice. Perhaps he saw a product he thought might work but was disheartened when a nearby employee asked, "Would that be a gift for your wife?" He got the f*** out of there and spent the next three hours in the massage chairs at Brookstone.

For the guy who's real shy about buying undies (and that's the majority of us), online might be the best first-time option. Lingerie Diva has a whole section devoted to men's personals. Mimi, I'm sure you'll love the Poly/Spandex Fitted Boxer in leopard print, the HOT Men's Leather Shorts (they capitalized HOT, not me), and the Mens Double the Pleasure Fishnet Short, now on sale for $15.40.

The Knot probably wouldn't be able to publish this photo, but I sure as hell can. That's right, there's holes in the front and the back.

Mimi, this may be SLIGHTLY too kinky for you ... but at least it's not the 4-Piece Leather Harness.

In all seriousness, the site does have some "Enhancing Briefs" and "Mini Shorts" and "Microfiber" something-or-others that your hubby won't mind and will bring some added sexiness into the hotel room. And if you want to spice things up on the last night of the trip, you can't go wrong with these "Strip Search"  5- and 3-piece sets:

Officer and Prisoner, $19.89 and $23.89 respectively. Comes with "Sgt. Dick Amazing" name badge.

The better option, in my opinion, is to send him to a specific store (for Los Angelenos I suggest Hustler Hollywood) with detailed instructions, i.e. I want you to get one thing you think is hilarious, and one thing you think is potentially very sexy. If he's nervous about it, tell him to go as soon as the store opens. No one is shopping for vibrators at 9AM.

Actually, that's probably inaccurate. 

Hilarious option vs. Sexy option. Or vice versa. I don't judge.

Finally, ladies, if you're really adventurous (and really trusting), maybe a boutique like Sugar Lilie is the place for you. Sugar Lilie (which is LA-based) hosts a quarterly event called Men-Clave, which invites men (and men alone) to spend an evening learning about becoming comfortable with lingerie. And yes, some of their top products are modeled for the boys while they sit back and sip beer. For guys, as my wife puts it, it's a win-win situation. 

(It's like a strip club ... minus the nudity ... in a lingerie store. It's educational.)

What I suggest, Mimi and Husband, is that you not rule out "kinky" from the get-go. Be adventurous. Drift into your discomfort zone. If the first night of the trip is reserved for more conservative evening-wear, then perhaps the leather harness will make an appearance on Margarita Night. After all, putting your husband in a collar is kind of like a metaphor for marriage. 


  1. Brian, Huge props for taking matters into your own hands. If The Knot does not recognize your obviously brilliant idea of having an "Ask the Groom" column, then by all means, steal their blog comments and answer them yourself.
    You might take it one step further. Email the commenter directly and ask them to read your blog instead of the Groom challenged Knot Blog. In fact if you watch them closely, you might be able to show up at their events, pass out cards, and steal them directly without all that messy Email evidence.
    I would move quickly though. Word is they have recently signed Chris Easter to do an "Ask Uncle Chris" column.

  2. @Earl LOL

    You are correct. My "Ask Uncle Chris" column debuts next week. The first post is titled "Groom Girth"

  3. Good topic Uncle Chris! Girth has always been more important

  4. Don't make me shut off comments, boys. I won't allow this family friendly blog to be soiled by your girth.

    @Earl - I did one better. I hacked my way into The Knot's website and changed the settings so that all inquiries and forum messages are emailed directly to me. Thank you for the suggestion.

    @Uncle Chris - bring it on.

  5. That's why I admire you. You (steal) take a great idea, and do it one better.


  6. Hey! I this where they have the free bananas? I heard someone is giving away bananas. I love me a good banana. Do you have something I can carry the banana in?