Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, But It Does Buy a Kickass Venue and Honeymoon Flights and Other Things We Haven't Encountered Yet But Undoubtedly Will

The title of this post is as long as we are exhausted.

2E's and I have been in a get 'er done mood this week. We've plowed through wedding venue options, sought out rehearsal dinner restaurants, browsed honeymoon resorts and packages on every island under the sun, and realized -- at the end of it all -- that one of us needs to come into a large sum of money, and very quickly, to accomplish this without having a nervous breakdown.

Ohhh, I kid. Oh, Madman, how you exaggerate! You're an exaggerator! I do. I am. My fabrications are almost as boundless as the title of this post is passive aggressive.

I would never name names. I would never write for instance - THE HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOFT IS ROBBING PEOPLE BLIND! - but I really want to. You want to warn people, spread the word. You want to tell future brides & grooms, "These people just plain suck," and then move on. But it would be cruel. And unfair. And I hate karmic retribution. It's the worst kind of retribution. Karmic.

Things I can share, sans names and details:

(a) No matter what a venue coordinator tells you, ask for a rental fee in advance. They need not be making up pricing on the spot. "Uhhhh ... I can do ... this much." Ideally they should have a email-able PDF of their rates and amenities. If they don't, be sure to get a quote before you hop on the subway, see the space, fall in love with it and then learn that it's $2500 over budget ... at the "discounted" price.

(b) That feeling SUCKS.

(c) There are a lot of scams out there in the world right now, and weddings/events are no exception. Beware of people claiming to be in the field. There are planners, and then there are planners. A shanty made from cloth, stick and found objects is not a venue, even if it is in SoHo.

(d) Adding the word "SoHo" to the name of a venue doubles the price.

(e) Adding the word "Loft" to the end of the name of a venue triples the price.

And there will be times -- not a lot of them, but times -- when you'll walk into a ... I don't know ... let's say a shoe store. Let's say it's a non-profit shoe store. Someone mentioned that they do weddings there, at the shoe store. You couldn't believe it. After all, it's a non-profit shoe store! Who would have thought?!

But you go anyway -- maybe you go to prove that someone wrong -- and when you get there, you're blown away. It's just so bloody unique, you think, to have a wedding in a shoe store. And a non-profit one, for chrissake. I'm sold.

So you sit down with the shoe store salesman, and he gives you the rundown, gives you a tour, lets you sample some shoes, etc. And when he presents you with the proposal ... you want to grab one of the knee-high boots off the high shelf nearby and deck him with it. "You're a shoe store! You're a NON-PROFIT SHOE STORE!! How could you possibly charge this much??"

You know what, I can accept that rent in Manhattan is ridiculous. That maintaining a staff is expensive. That they have to make a profit, at the end of the day ... but when there are perfectly reasonable places with perfectly reasonable rates, you have to wonder what these exorbitant quotes are all about. These venues must have brass Christmas balls to be charging what they do for an 85-person wedding. 

Ohhhh, but I jest. Oh, Madman, I love it when you vent. I love when you use ALL CAPS. It's so COOL. I know, I love it, too. It is cool. Exclamation points and all.

Will keep you all posted.

hugs & kisses,
madman