August 23, 2010

What Men Think Happens at a Bachelorette Party

2E's received the following e-request from her MOH this morning:

Dear Bride,

Please pack the following items for next weekend, in no particular order:

- Bathing suit, sandals and sunglasses
- Beach towel
- Sunscreen
- Party dress
- Hiking boots/sneakers
- Clothes you'd wear into the wilderness
- A Bowie knife
- A sweater

 Well one of these items can go in your carry-on luggage

She giddily tossed her phone aside and sought out the perfect sweater; meanwhile, I was baffled. Until this morning, we knew little to nothing of her Bachelorette itinerary -- aside from the drive up north to Santa Barbara with her BFF bridesmaids -- and this list of necessities is no help at all. I have to assume that there are some diversions here. Clearly the sunscreen is a red herring.

Piecing together what I can with no assuredness at all, here goes nothing:


Friday, August 27th
5:00pm - Bachelorette weekend begins with a drive up to Santa Barbara
6:35pm - While 2E's gabs in the front seat, excited about all the knitting and nailing filing that's going to be taking place this weekend, Bridesmaids Julie and Laura rifle through her luggage, depriving it of all except the Bowie and the sunscreen (apparently it wasn't a red herring)
7:15pm - The MOH deviates from the road to Santa Barbara and into the Northeast corner of the Los Padres National Forest, leaving 2E's, her hiking boots and her lightened load in the middle of the California woods
12:05am - 2E's decides, after five hours of waiting around and mourning the loss of the perfect sweater, that she should rest her head on her bag and spend the night outdoors

Saturday, August 28th
9:00am - 2E's, a sworn vegetarian, fastens a trap from her luggage bag, captures a Santa Barbara native wild boar, Bowie knives it and eats it raw
12:40pm - After walking in the direction of the ocean aroma for over an hour, 2E's tethers her sandals to her hands and begins a four-legged sprint to save time
12:50pm - She gives up on that four-legged business, opting to eat the leather off of the sandals for a small boost
7:30pm - At nightfall, 2E's uses the Bowie knife to chop down a redwood tree and build herself a cabin, using the spare wood for her living room fireplace

Acquired taste
Sunday, August 29th
7:00am - Satisfying her new infatuation with wild boar meat, she consumes a large breakfast (served with a sunscreen-sweetened au jus), locks the cabin and resumes her sprint westward
11:45am - She completes the 40-mile jaunt across the forest, stopping at every ocean-side hotel and resort in Santa Barbara, scanning poolsides for three bridesmaids sipping cocktails
2:10pm - 2E's locates her BFFs, who welcome her with open arms and a pina colada, purchased with the $ made from selling 2E's beach gear
2:30pm - Bored, 2E's drags MOH Teresa, Bridesmaid Julie and Bridesmaid Laura out of the hotel and into the woods, and together they spend the remainder of the evening in her newly constructed cabin, knitting and nail filing beside the fireplace

And I thought Bachelor parties were inappropriate. Geez. Turn it down a notch, girls.

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