Couples Who Are So Cool It's Depressing

This is where all those classes in Self-Deprecating Humor are really going to come in handy.

Like any bride with a mere seventy-seven days remaining until the big moment, 2E's spends 90% of her day perusing blogs and hunting down further inspiration and hoping (deep, deep down) that our wedding will be in the same general vicinity of "cool" as the weddings that are featured on a near-daily basis. Like Cori & John's Wedding on Green Wedding Shoes -- and, can I just say, Cori already had a head start with parents who knew the value of a two-syllable name that ends in an i.

Clearly Cor(y)i and John have an endless supply of style from which they spooned ladles of coolness to create their wedding. Their custom and very personal stationery is especially impressive. I would gladly attend any party that Cori and John were throwing as long as I could keep the invite for that mantle in my bedroom that serves no real purpose.
(Hint-hint John. Hint-hint Cori.)

Actually, Green Wedding Shoes seems to have a monopoly on showcasing cool outdoorsy weddings. Like Rachel & Brent, who stole bridesmaid outfit inspiration from Anthropologie; or Emily & Mason, who thought their groomsmen would look best in "lumberjack formal." Like Megan & Craig, who actually made Mead Composition Books not-lame; or Fina & Nathan, who not only redefined "Eco-Chic" but also found a practical use for recycled hemp string. Recycled. Hemp. String.

Christ, we're not using any of those words in our wedding.

It's important, though, that 2E's and I not try to achieve coolness, that we not try to be Cori and John, respectively. We need only be us, and whatever drops of coolness we may be able to soak up from our only mildly cool personalities will just have to suffice. I mean, there are 10 certain certainties that we simply cannot ignore:

1. We won't be climbing any trees for our formal portraits. There aren't many trees in Dumbo, and those that are available are lacking boughs that support my full body weight.

2. Nor will we be taking any portraits in front of overgrown foliage, with Hasselblads dangling from our necks and leafy plants potted in re-purposed Starbucks coffee mugs in-hand. 

3. I have no friggin' clue what hemp string is.

4. We won't be hanging anything from strings (hemp or otherwise) with the use of clothespins. We went "bargain" and opted for the double-sided duct tape.

5. My boys couldn't really pull off "lumberjack formal." At best, maybe "security guard chic."

6. On a similar note ... I do not mesh well with rustic, vintage or antique suits. It not unlike Bristol Palin's acting debut. It's tolerable, but you're really just asking yourself, Who thought that was a good idea?

7. Knock out any suit in the "brown" family, for that matter.

"Security Guard chic"

8. We don't own a vintage motorcycle. Or a Vespa. Or a scooter. Or a tandem bike.

9. Even if we did own a motorcyle, or could get a hold of one, we couldn't possibly maneuver it down the cobblestone streets that veer off from our reception venue.

10. Unlike John and Mason and Nathan, my "coolness" actually depreciates with time.

Thanks to Green Wedding Shoes for supplying the hyperlink combo platter. And thanks too to all the couples who make me want to be a better man. On the outside.

love,
madman