July 7, 2010

A First Impression

Much of the inspiration for our wedding has come from our predecessors, our ancestors and other -ors that have made a serious impact in the wedding world ...

... but then again, it's turned on us. It's forced us to question ourselves and our taste -- to ask the question, "Is our style really so outdated?" So outdated, even, that we couldn't find the benefit in these tried and true rituals?

The groom-in-his-undies ceremony

The only-the-groom-is-naked ceremony

And, of course, the ceremonial naked dwarf

Whatever it is, whatever the reason for our sudden lack of good taste, we've had to start coming up with ideas of our own. 


When it came to the out-of-towner gift baskets (because nothing is more welcoming in a strange hotel room than fresh towels, fresh sheets and a decorative bag of randomness), 2E's and I knew there were a few routes we could take, and whatever route we decided upon would determine our guests' first impressions. Would they hate us? Envy us? Admire us? Pity us? Pity 2E's more than me? I more than she?

All good questions. 

Here are three possible approaches we're currently toying with:

The Sweet Approach

The only thing you want your guests thinking as you lead the recessional, strutting down the aisle as the new Mr. and Mrs., is - Oh, aren't they just the sweetest couple? - and the sensible means to that end is sugar. 

While doing some online shopping last month, 2E's and I came across the Superior Nut Store* (we love websites with informative names), a blend of delight and torture that offers almost too much goodness: jordan almonds, espresso beans, chocolate-covered sunflower seeds, chocolate-covered pretzels, chocolate-covered gummie bears and eight hundred (approximate) other non-chocolate sweets that they've purposefully dipped in chocolate.

The Superior in their name most likely comes from the 25 variations of dried fruit (goji berries, left), the Turkish as well as non-Turkish pistachios, and an entire page of their site devoted to nut paste. Plus it's all bulk. And the pecans come "mammoth"-sized. And there's coffee cake. And of all these things, tucked away in each decorative bag of randomness, are the perfect rush for your jet-lagged, glucose-starved guests.

The Can You Handle It Approach

In the five or so years we spent in New York City, 2E's and I managed to befriend almost every hardcore club promoter in the city. What began as "our friend Hank who goes clubbing a lot" turned into a rolodex of names connected to the hottest and oftentimes skankiest clubs in Manhattan and the Mariners Park corner of Staten Island.

So one possible route is to get in touch with all of our old friends at Dirty Secrets and Club Hawt and Skank Heaven 24/Seven and get them to FedEx us a few boxes of VIP passes to some of the hottest and undoubtedly unattractive clubs in the tri-state area. Sure, we want our guests to be comfortable at all times, but we also want them to jump into the New York City lifestyle headfirst and get a taste of the "real" Manhattan ... the one on the far west end of 28th Street across from the high school ... or the even "realer" Manhattan down that back alley by the seaport. No, the other back alley. The one with the -- yes, that one. 

The You'll Love Us Then You'll Hate Us Approach

What's even better than the complimentary bag of randomness that mysteriously key-carded its way into your hotel room prior to your arrival? A puppy. 

Your guests are too good for superior nuts? Then a 5-week-old golden retriever should do the trick. 

Oh man, they're going to love you ... straight through the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony and the reception ... right until the Sunday morning brunch when they realize that the dog wasn't a rental or a cutesy hotel amenity ... when they realize that they actually have to cargo it, take it home, feed it, love it, care for it ... they'll name it Wedding Gift or Stupid Wedding Gift so they'll always remember where it came from ("Hey, Stupid Wedding Gift, come get your stupid food."). 

But man oh man will they love you that weekend. They really, really will.

*In their infinite sweetness, The Superior Nut Store has offered 2E's and I a generous helping of gummie bears in exchange for this post. In other words, there's likely to be several "getting-ready" portraits featuring my groomsmen and I gorging ourselves on rainbow-colored preservatives.

1 comment:

  1. Duh - gotta go with puppy, nut paste, naked dwarf. Cover all your bases.