(A)Typical Groom

Dear Readers,

Please forgive the respite. I've been doing some grooming this past week and thus have neglected my posts. For instance, I was out late grooming some beers with some buds the other night. When I awoke late the next morning, I groomed a bit on the couch, groomed on Facebook and groomed The Office on Hulu while grooming a homemade salami sandwich. I feel revived. And well-groomed.

Meanwhile, three days out of the week, 2E's has been setting the bedside alarm for 5:30 AM to participate in these crack-o-dawn training sessions in West Hollywood. Of course, this new activity is partly for her health and well-being but primarily in prep for the big day. Do a quick Google search and you'll find there are as many discussion boards titled "fitting into the dress" as there are Charlie Bit My Finger views. Should she keep on this regimen, 2E's will no doubt be the fittest, healthiest, most 6-packed bride on that side of the Mississippi.

Now ... 2E's and I have never been a traditional couple. We're the most nontraditional straight Caucasian couple you've ever met. While she was doing lunges and running uphill sprints this morning, I was washing the dishes and running two loads of laundry. In other words, we're not the run of the mill bride and groom you'd expect to find in a book like this:

First of all, (1) I'm a good inch shorter than my blushing bride (unlike the groom pictured above), and (2) I don't look good in an off-white tux. Yes ... I've learned to deal.

So when 2E's returned from training, strutting about the apartment, glowing not only from sweat but from the feeling of accomplishment and self-improvement and totally rubbing it in -- I decided I'd had enough grooming. It was time to take action.

 I've taped a DO NOT list to the inside of the front door, remembering that my cold turkey diets have produced the best results. Beneath the words DO NOT is a list of my favorite things. It's a cruel list. And the fact that I've taped it to the front door makes me a cruel person. Beside the DO NOT list is a picture of Patrick Dempsey in a sharp, Versace stroller jacket. While cosmetic surgery may be out of the question -- while I may not have his immaculate bone structure, wavy hair or assertive manliness -- he does give me encouragement to get on the right track.

And 2E's will no doubt enjoy kissing Patrick goodbye each morning as she departs for her ungodly 6:00 AM training hour.

Tomorrow I'll begin Groom Fitness Cruelty Training, hunting down discussion boards titled "fitting into the tux." Tonight, after I cook dinner, I imagine I'll be dustbuster-ing the kitchen.