November 23, 2009

Groom Points

A good friend confided in me last night over wine and charcuterie:

"Madman, I'm lost. I've been working on accumulating some boyfriend points, but how do I get them? What can I redeem them for? Where do I store them?  What does it all mean?"

I assuaged the friend, suggested he eat his troubles -- the pig ear Terrine seemed the most troubling -- and told him I'd have his answers by morning. Gladly, I present those answers:

How do I get them

Groom (and, similarly, Boyfriend) Points are not unlike American Express Rewards credits: you get them for spending money.

Yes, the best way to earn points is by buying your bride (or wife, or girlfriend) things that she wouldn't buy herself. Flowers are the perfect example. And flowers earn you one point per day that they survive, so you want to be sure to cut the stems, extract dead petals and replace the water daily. Here are some other examples:
  • Groceries - 3 points
  • Movie - 5 points (double the points for romantic comedies, triple for period pieces)
  • Spa treatment - 10 points
  • Dinner - earns you as many points as you tip, so tip generously 
Alternatively, earn single points for household chores, such as washing dishes, washing the car or washing yourself.

Yes - bathing earns you a single point. It's good to be a man.

What can I redeem them for

Now, unlike AMEX Rewards, you can't use your accumulated points to buy stereo equipment or Best Buy gift cards. And unlike AT&T, your Points don't rollover. Boyfriend Points expire annually. Groom Points, monthly.

What the points can be redeemed for is lenience.

GF: "I think you should read the Twilight series, and then we can talk about it and see the movies together..."
BF: "Ooo. I don't know. I really want to put my spare time into repainting the bathroom."

See ... crisis diverted.

Bride: "Let's go to that vegan bistro for brunch!"
Groom: "Are you crazy? I'm still stuffed from that salmon I caught, killed and poached for you last night."

Again ... disaster delayed. Groom Points aren't currency. They're more like notches on a choke collar. The more points you have, the looser the collar.

Where do I store them

I keep a tally of my points with me at all times. Occasionally you'll forget that time you called her mother, or that hour you spent with your bride admiring old photos and scrapbooking memories.

Word on the street is that a Groom Points app will be available before Christmas. I've never wanted to give myself a Christmas present so bad.

What does it all mean

Well, what it means is that we can all live in harmony, really. What it means is that men and women CAN cohabitate. And most importantly, what it means is that I can still have my monthly Maxim magazine subscription and not have to apologize for it.

(p.s. perpetual laundry duty = 1 monthly subscription, pending approval)



  1. I think the point thing has been misunderstood for too long. We don't get "points" for things...we get 1 point for each "something" we do. A bouquet of roses=1 point. A single rose=1 point. An engagement ring=1 point. You're only as good as your last point.

    I don't mean to imply that women are evil...because they are not and I love them. It's just the way it is. We work on a reward/punishment standard...because to guys...well...we just sort of do stuff and deal with the consequences...good and bad.

    Now...if YOU are able to accumulate that many points for the things you are GOLDEN. Nice blog...

  2. Hilarious post. The only thing I question is avoiding reading and discussing Twilight to paint the bathroom.

    While I know this would work it seems like an alternative strategy: Earning points as avoidance. You can get out of anything as long as its earning you points.