Off the Hook

Part of my intention in creating this blog was to discover the joys of wedding planning from the male perspective -- joys like pirate wedding themes and Monopoly cufflinks. Well, I'm glad to say that I stumbled upon another such joy this morning when I discovered a new privilege given to men of the "groom" variety.

Brides and grooms alike are handed a certain amount of lenience for the duration of their wedding planning process. Similar to birthdays -- when you're not expected to pay for anything -- Bs&Gs are not expected to do anything in a timely or efficient manner for the entire length of their engagement. This is what we grooms would call a MAJOR BONUS ... the kind of bonus that makes up for all of the spending and hustling, the decision-making and flower-picking and picture-taking.

Get into a fender bender? No problem. Just tell the guy whose Audi you hit that you're getting married. He'll understand.

IRS after you for tax evasion? Not a big deal. Just tell the agent over the phone that you're less than a year from the big day. She'll laugh that knowing laugh and say, "Why don't you get us that money when you can, big guy. Let me just remove these penalties."

Let's say Maurice the Groom walks into his office a few hours late. He anticipates a stern talking-to, so he hunches his back ever-so-slightly, enters the building with a nice, weathered expression that he's perfected in the mirror, and when his boss asks,

BOSS: "Maurice, where were you this morning?"

Maurice lets out a big, heavy sigh with miles of back story. 

BOSS: "Something wrong?" 
MAURICE: "No... just wedding planning again. You know."
BOSS: "Oh. Gotcha."
CO-WORKER 1: "You're in for the long haul, kid."
CO-WORKER 2: "Boy ain't that the truth. You should've taken the whole day off."
MAURICE: "Oh, I didn't want to put extra work on you guys."
CO-WORKER 1: "Oh, please."
CO-WORKER 2: "You're the one getting married..."
BOSS: "Why not take the rest of the week off. You deserve it."
MAURICE: "Are you sure? I don't want to impose." 
BOSS: "Go plan that wedding, champ. And here's some petty cash for the wedding."
MAURICE: "Gee. Thanks Boss."
BOSS: "This in no way means that you have to invite us to the wedding, by the way."
CO-WORKER 1: "If you do invite us, we probably won't go anyway."
CO-WORKER 2: "Right. We'll just send you some Crate & Barrel gift certificates."
MAURICE: "Wow, you guys are the best."
BOSS: "It's the least we can do ... groom."

It's. Just. That. Simple.